


Who Do You Love?

by PAPERSK1N



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: 'weird polyamourous morals and concerning drug habits', Angst, College AU, Dark fic, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Explicit Sex, Fluff and Smut, Gen, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Partying, Romance, Unhealthy Relationships, innocent Michael corrupted by slutty Gavin and slutty Ray, mentions of depression, slutty Gavin, slutty Ray
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-02-24 18:00:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2590955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PAPERSK1N/pseuds/PAPERSK1N
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael manages to convince his paranoid, over-protective father to let him attend college in New York City. He meets Gavin Free and Ray Narvaez Jr, who are possibly the most interesting, complex, fucked-up people he's ever met.</p><p>Michael's eyes are opened to a world he didn't know existed, consisted of partying, drinking, drugs, sex, cigarettes and a lot of crying.</p><p>He loves every single second of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New York, New York

**Author's Note:**

> Updates will be weekly! Kudos & Comments are much appreciated <3

Chapter One

College life was what you made it, Michael was told by his father following a strong pat on the back and a somewhat strained smile. Their embrace went no further. Michael’s father had never really been much of a hugger.

Michael’s father was a good man, of course. He worked hard as an accountant and he brought money to the bank and food to their table. He just wasn’t a particularly emotional man. Growing up, there weren’t hugs and shared jokes, and ‘I’m so proud of you’ ‘s. and that was okay. These were the things Michael was used to not having. He didn't talk back, he didn't ask for more.

He smiled at his father. “Thanks dad. I'll call as often as I can.”

The promise was empty, Michael knew that and deep down, he father probably knew it too, but he nodded anyway. “As you should.” he said.

There was an awkward, silent pause between the two. Swallowing thickly, Michael thought to himself  _fuck it, I'm going anyway. Not like he can drag me back home for asking._

“And, uh- dad?" he asked, voice more hesitant than he expected. "Tell mom I said goodbye.”

Michael looked up to his father’s face for a possible reaction, but was met with nothing but a stoic, stony expression. His father sighed.

“Michael. I’ve told you that you are to have no contact with her, correct?”

“Yeah dad.” Michael swallowed. “I know, I haven’t… I just- if you speak to her, at all or…” he trailed off. His father’s expression didn't change, and Michael swallowed the seed of anger that began to blossom in his gut. “Never mind. I’m sorry.”

“Okay. Goodbye Michael.”

There was an awkward pause, where Michael’s father looked almost as if he was possibly considering reaching out to hug his son, before he stuck his hand out stiffly. Michael shook it firmly, and smiled once more, before picking up his suitcase, and wheeling it away from the car. He didn't look back, just grinned to himself as he heard the sound of the car starting up, and looked up at the huge campus.

NYU, for Michael, was the first taste of freedom he’d ever been able to have. Michael’s father had always been a strict man. It wasn’t so bad when he was younger, and his mother was still around, but after she left when Michael was nine, things changed. He didn't hang out with friends as much, or watch TV. He was barely allowed to play Xbox upstairs in his bedroom. Everything was about getting the grades he needed to get into college and get a good job.

And after Michael had worked his ass off and gotten almost straight A’s (He’ll never forgive his chemistry teacher for giving him that C+. _Never_ ) the debate had come about of what university he was going to.

Michael just wanted to get as far away from Jersey, as far away from his dad as he could. He looked at Texas State and other universities in the far south. But, typically, his father had refused.

It took three months of convincing before his father let him apply for New York University. Three months of convincing, one last shitty summer with the few friends he had left, and then the night before, the last time he would have to eat dinner in stony silence with his father, before clearing the table, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom, and falling asleep.

Now he was finally fucking free. He just needed to find his room.

Michael pulled his bag along behind him, and shrugged his shoulder to keep his duffel bag from slipping. Everyone here was just so… different. Growing up in New Jersey hadn’t exactly been the suburban dream, but it was _nothing_ like New York. Hundreds of students just like him mulled about the campus, many new arrivals just like him, with their giant cases and sobbing parents. Michael felt a small twinge in his gut, a longing for his mother.

She probably would’ve cried. She would’ve warned him about getting girls pregnant and taking drugs and drinking but then would’ve smiled like she’d done it all before anyway and as long as he was safe she didn't mind. She would’ve taken photos with him and hugged him tightly before he walked in.

But she wasn’t there anymore.

“Excuse me? Name please?”

Oh shit, someone had been talking to him. Nervously, Michael pushed his hand through his curly hair and smiled awkwardly at the woman sitting by the desk.

“Oh sorry. Uh, it’s Michael- Michael Jones.” He said. The woman glanced down to her book, and flicked through a few pages.

“Right, room number 413. And here’s your class schedule.” He handed him a folded sheet of paper before turning back to her book, and talking to the girl behind him who had approached the desk.

“Right, uh, thanks.” He mumbled.

Michael headed down the busy hallways, navigating his way through the dorms until he found the room he was looking for. Nobody really gave him a second glance as he moved through the school, eyes wide and inquisitive. Everybody here looked so… _different._   There were girls with bright blue hair and boys with facial piercings and crooked smiles. Small-town kids with guitars and basketballs and snobbish looking kids with Louis Vuitton suitcases. Michael just shook his head and smiled at his first taste of true, unfiltered _diversity._

By the time he approached Room 413, he realised he wasn’t the first. The room already had the door wide open, and Michael could hear a voice coming from inside.

“Yeah, yeah of course bro! I'll fucking be there. Yeah, I got some… right. Hm. Did you invite Gavin? Cool. Yeah, I know. I'll tell him.”

Michael stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him, and the boy looked up at him, flashing a small smile.

“Yeah, okay. I gotta go anyway, my roommate just showed up. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Yeah I'll see you tonight. Later.” He hung up his phone and tossed it onto the bed on the far corner of the room as Michael walked over, sitting on the other bed next to it.

“Hey, I’m Ray.” He said with a smile, extending his hand.

* * *

Ray was nice enough, Michael supposed. He liked video games, that was obvious by the stack of Nintendo and Gameboy games that he could see stacked up on one of the shelves instead of textbooks. He owned a lot of brightly coloured t-shirts that hung opposite Michael’s in the wardrobe with funny quotes on them and cartoon characters. He had Puerto Rican heritage but had lived in New York his whole life.

Ray seemed like a normal enough, cool guy. The kind of person Michael could see himself sharing a room with for the next few years.

Then Ray opened up the zip side of his bag, and started packing the drawer beside his bed. There was skins, filters, packets of tobacco and boxes of cigarettes, a jumbo pack of those tiny clear plastic bags with mini green leaves printed on the front, more lighters than Michael could even count as he threw them in one by one, followed by three different glass pipes and finally, a purple tinted glass bong, which he rolled under the bed.

Ray looked up at Michael’s shocked expression, and frowned.

“What?” he asked.

“I- just… is that? Is that for-”

“Weed? Yes.” Ray deadpanned, grinning. “Dude, relax. I’m not gonna fucking blaze it up every morning before class or anything. If there’s anything you’re… uncomfortable with, just tell me.” He said with a half-laugh.

Michael blushed red. Fuck, he was fucking it all up on his first god damn day. He couldn’t alienate his roommate into thinking he was some judgemental, frigid little prick.

“No- bro, uh, it’s fine. Seriously.”

“You sure?” Ray asked.

Michael nodded quickly. “Yeah. no problem.”

Ray grinned. “Awesome. Can I tell you something, Michael Jones?”

“Uh,” Michael shrugged. “Sure.”

“I think we’re going to get on just fine.”

* * *

There were no actual _classes_ on the first day, Ray had told him. Just things like Freshmen orientation, and apparently _no one_ went to that. So Michael spent the rest of the day unpacking and joking with Ray, as the Puerto Rican sat on his bed, rolling joint after joint, before packing them into a little silver tin.

There was some other stuff in the silver tin that Michael didn't even recognise, but he kept his mouth shut, and said nothing about it.

“Why’d you need so many?” Michael asked from where he was standing on a chair, as he started stacking binders and textbooks on the shelf above his bed.

“Preparing myself for tonight.” Ray said with a grin, before reaching into the drawer and pulling out a box of cigarettes, along with several condoms and lube packets. Michael blushed.

“What’s tonight?” he asked, tearing his eyes away.

Ray stopped, and looked up at Michael, a curious look on his face.

“What?” Michael asked.

“You don’t know about tonight?” Ray asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Uh, no? Did I miss something? Is there another orientation or-”

“Michael! Do they teach you _nothing_ in New Jersey?!” Ray exclaimed, jumping up off of the bed and bounding over to Michel, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him to the floor. “Tonight.” He explained, leaning in so his and Michael’s foreheads were almost touching “Is the first night of college. Which means…”

“Which means…?”

“Dude! Freshman night, there’s always one huge party. That’s like, the rule of college!”

“It is?” Michael asked, hesitantly. “I didn't see it on the list.”

Ray rolled his eyes. “Shut the fuck up- it’s like, an unofficial rule.” He waved his hand dismissively “Dude, you’re so lucky you’ve got me as a roommate. I’m gonna fucking save you.”

Michael laughed. “Thanks dude. Now can you stop smushing your face into mine, please?”

Ray grinned and cocked an eyebrow. “What’s wrong Michael?” he asked, smirking “you not down with a little… freshman experimentation?”

Michael blushed beet red. Ray didn't mean… did he? Michael wasn’t exactly a _virgin_ , despite what his dad thought- he did sort of have a life back in New Jersey. But still, he wasn’t exactly Casanova either.

Shit, he had done that thing where he got lost in his thoughts again, and had missed everything Ray had just said. He felt Ray’s chapped lips press against his for barely a second, before the Puerto Rican pulled away and laughed, walking back to his bed.

“Dude, relax. I’m not homo. Well… I am a little. Well… more than a little. But not for you, anyway.”

Ray was now standing on top of his bed, reaching across the room to unscrew the smoke detector that sat on the roof. Michael watched him and swallowed, willing his skin to return to his normal shade. “Uh, uh it’s okay. I- I’m sort of… you know…”

“What?” Ray asked with a laugh, pulling a cigarette out of his carton and lighting it between his lips. “Gay?” he suggested, offering Michael the packet.

Michael blushed harder as he took a cigarette from Ray’s packet, along with a bright pink lighter, rolling the object between his fingers.

“Sort of. Maybe. I don’t know.” He shrugged as he sat opposite Ray. He mimicked Ray’s movements and lit the cigarette as it sat between his lips. It took him a few tries for the flame to catch, and as soon as the end of the cigarette glowed a burning red colour, Michael sucked strongly. Ray was eyeing him from the opposite side of the room, smiling.

The smoke from the end of the cigarette got him first, stinging his eyes and making them water. He blew the smoke out from his mouth, and it collected in the air, thick and white. Okay, except for the burning feeling in his eyes that was starting to fade, maybe he could get used to this.

“You’ve never smoked before, have you?” Ray asked, taking a quick drag of his cigarette. Michael smiled softly, the cigarette dangling between his fingers.

“That obvious?” he asked. But Ray didn't laugh at him. He just smiled.

“Here, look.” he said, walking over and sitting beside Michael on the bed. He took the cigarette from Michael’s fingers, and held it up to Michael’s face, between his lips.

“Suck.” He instructed. Michael complied.

“Now. Don’t blow it. _Breathe it.”_

Michael sucked in sharply and suddenly felt as if he was drowning, choking on his own shallow breaths. His eyes watered again and he doubled over, choking. Ray did laugh, this time, and patted him on the back.

“Not so fast.” He laughed, rubbing Michael’s back until he sat back up again. Michael started to feel himself getting frustrated at his own idiocy. What kind of eighteen year old didn't know how to smoke a fucking cigarette?

“You wanna try again?” Ray asked. Michael nodded.

“Gimme that.” He snatched his cigarette back out of Ray’s hand, and placed it to his lips. He inhaled once, slowly this time, and felt the smoke settle inside of his chest. It still burned, but not as harshly.

“Hold it.” Ray instructed. His hand moved to rest across Michael’s chest, making small circles in the middle. “You should feel it, right here, yeah?”

Michael nodded. “Good.” Ray said. “Now, breathe out, just as slow.”

Michael followed Ray’s instruction and the smoke flowed from his mouth, but this time it was less thick, barely there, even. He smiled.

“I did it!”

“Yeah, well done Dora, you learned how to smoke a cigarette. I'll tell boots.” Ray sneered, patting Michael hard on the back and laughing.

“Shut up,” Michael mumbled, reaching over to flick the ash from the end of the cigarette in the ashtray Ray had moved next to him. Ray stumped his finished cigarette out, and leant back against the wall, crossing his legs.

“You’re coming to the party though, tonight right?” he asked.

Michael shrugged taking another slow, experimental drag. “I don’t know.” He said. “I sort of thought I’d just, chill tonight. Get ready for classes in the morning and shit, you know?”

“Boring!” Ray shouted, knocking his head against the wall before sitting back up straight, pushing Michael in the shoulder.

“Dude, what's wrong with that? I’m here to pass, same as everyone else.”

Ray stared at him like he had just asked what was wrong with walking on the sun. “Dude. You’re eighteen. Fucking enjoy it whilst you can.” He said. “You don’t wanna turn into some old, boring fucking- wait, what are you studying?”

“Engineering.”

“Boring fucking engineer, with a fucking shitty wife, or husband _sorry_ , and a load of regrets from not doing any of the awesome shit you could’ve done in college!”

Michael opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off by the door swinging open.

“Oh, Ray! You won't _believe_ it!” came a voice, distinctly British from the other end of the room. A boy marched in, slamming the door shut behind him. His hair was a sandy-brown colour and his eyes were a strange mix between green and brown that Michael couldn’t place. He was tall too, with long thin legs covered with skinny jeans with rips at his bony knees. He wore converse that Michael assumed had been bright white at _some point_ but were now an off-yellow, with doodles on the left one with black sharpie of words Michael couldn’t make out.

“What now? Did you get a girl pregnant _already_?”

The boy stopped his erratic movements and glared at Ray rolling his eyes. “Ray, that was one time! And it turned out to not even be mine, so-” he stuck his tongue out childishly. Ray laughed.

“Doesn’t mean I'll ever forget the look on your face though, _Gav_!” He said.

The boy, _Gav_ , didn't even answer, instead pulled a damp grey box from the back pocket of his jeans. “Look!” he said. Michael noted the box was a cigarette box.

“My water spilled all in my bag and got all my fags wet! I'll give you ten bucks for a twenty pack!”

“Yeah, sure.” Ray said, getting up off the bed and walking over to the drawer. “Oh, this is Michael, by the way.” He said. Michael stood up and extended his hand for _Gav_ to shake, but the British boy just slapped it, giving him a high five.

“Nice to meet you mate, I’m Gavin.” He said, grinning.

“Uh… I’m- I’m Michael.”

“ _Michael_. How _lovely._ ” Gavin said. Michael couldn’t tell if he was being sincere or not, (because who fucking said _lovely_ anymore anyway?) but smiled anyway, sitting back on the bed. Gavin sat beside him, thin thigh pressing against Michael’s jeans. He reached up and caught the packet of cigarettes Ray threw to him.

“Ten bucks?”

“I'll get it to you- just as soon as I’ve got it, is all.” He said, opening the packet and pulling a cigarette, or _fag_ as he had called it, before lighting it quickly between his teeth.

“Asshole, you spent all your money, _already?_ ”

“Oi!” Gavin squeaked. “I was scoring, for _you, twat!”_

Gavin fumbled in his hoodie pocket, before pulling out a little plastic bag of something white and powdery, and tossed it to Ray, who caught t with a grin.

“You got it!?” he asked excitedly, grinning like a kid on Christmas.

“I told you Chaz’d come through! You owe me like thirty bucks though!”

“How much’d you pay for this?” Ray asked, tucking the packet into the back of his cargo shorts.

“Forty, Chaz gave me a deal.” Gavin shrugged. “No big deal.”

“So where’d the rest of your money go?” Ray asked, pulling ten dollars out of his bag and handing it to Gavin. Gavin shrugged.

“Well, had to buy enough stock to make a profit, didn't I?... and, I sort of owed Chaz two hundred bucks anyway.”

Ray rolled his eyes. “Fucking moron. You’re lucky you didn't get your shins bashed in.”

“Nah, Chaz’s got a soft spot for me.” Gavin said, smiling wickedly. Ray laughed.

“I wouldn’t call that _soft_ Gavin. I think he’s actually pretty _ha-”_

“I’m sorry,” Michael asked, cutting Ray off. “But is that… _cocaine?”_

“Yeah.” Ray said. “Why?”

“Well… isn’t that… you know… _a felony?_ ”

Ray shrugged. “I won't tell the cops if you don’t.” he laughed. Gavin joined in, flicking his cigarette in the ashtray.

“Oh, _Michael_ , I like you already!” he said, nudging Michael with his shoulder. “Are you coming out tonight?” he asked.                                                                                                                 

“He wants to stay in and study, or some bullshit.” Ray said before Michael could reply as he shut his drawer. Gavin groaned.

“Oh _Michael,_ don’t be a stick in the mud, please! I want us to be really good friends!” he whined. (And fuck, if that wide eyed frowny look on his stupid face wasn’t so fucking _adorable_ )

“I- I guess I can skip it for tonight.” Michael said. Gavin grinned, and suddenly, he found himself smiling back widely. Then, Gavin launched himself at Michael, hugging him tightly.

“Oh Michael! We’re going to have _such fun_ together you know!”

oOo

Ray didn't dress up for the party, that was obvious. He was in the same cargo shorts he had been wearing all day, but his red t-shirt had switched to a white one with black sleeves and he wore black and white checkerboard vans instead of the black sneakers Michael had previously seen them in. He slipped a purple hoodie over the top, and then his tiny black pouch rested on his back.

Gavin met them at the end of the now deserted hall, everyone either asleep, studying or out partying. He had on his same ripped jeans and dirty converse, but wore a white T-shirt with a large black smiley face on it, and had a black and white bandana tied across his forehead, his hair gelled up so it stuck out the top, even if some hung loosely at the sides.

He looked fucking amazing, Michael thought.

Michael suddenly felt out of place in his every-day jeans and his red polo shirt and sneakers. Nervously, he ran a hand through his wild curly hair.

“I didn't know you wore glasses Michael.” Gavin said, linking his thin arm through his. Michael shrugged.

“Uh yeah, I don’t wear them all the time, is all. I- I might actually.” He slipped them off his face, folding them up.

“They’re cute.” Gavin’s said, taking them into his hands. “But, I wouldn’t want them to get lost or broken.”

Michael nodded in agreement. “Where do I put them though?”

Gavin grinned. He slipped his arm back out of Michael’s and retraced his steps backwards. He knocked on the first door, and a girl came to answer it.

“What the f- oh, hey…” she looked at Gavin and grinned. “What’s up?” she curled her bright red hair around her finger.

“Nothing really,” Gavin shot her a smile, narrowing his eyes a little as he looked her up and down, teeth grazing the edge of his lip. “Just heading out. Was wondering if you could do me a favour?”

“Yeah, sure.” The girl said, a seductive smirk on her face as she tiptoed up, subconsciously leaning into Gavin. Michael watched in awe at the scene. Ray just scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Look after these for me?” he asked, holding up Michael’s glasses. The girl’s smile faltered.

“Uh…”

“I'll come back and fetch them tomorrow morning, if that’s alright with you?” he asked, licking at his lip again. The girls smile returned.

“You promise?”

Gavin reached out for the girl’s hand, and brushed her finger against his lip lightly. “Promise.” He said with a boyish grin, before turning and walking away, leaving the girl at the door. As soon as he heard the click of the door shutting, he laughed out loud.

“Girls are so easy.” He said, shaking his head. Michael could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, and his eyes lingered on the girls door as Gavin pulled him back down the corridor. He wondered what the girl must have been thinking, having someone as fucking hot and cool as Gavin just show up and...

(Wait, did he just say that Gavin was _hot_? And _cool_?)

“It must be the accent.” Ray was saying. “That’s the only thing it could be.”

“Nah.”

“Yeah! It’s like all they hear is ‘ooh, _sorreh love but iym British’_ and suddenly their fucking panties get flooded.”

Gavin just laughed, and Michael joined in, trying to ignore the way his heart jumped as Gavin’s hand brushed against his.

* * *

The party was in a house ten minutes (walk) from the school. Michael had been to a few parties in high school on the rare occasions his father let him out or believed he was staying at Caleb’s, but none of them had been _anything_ like the party Gavin and Ray had brought him to.

Stepping through the front door was like stepping into another world.

The music hit him first. It was loud and pumping, making it feel like the whole house was shaking. That accumulated with the noise of people dancing, jumping and talking made his ears physically hurt for a few seconds.

The second thing that hit him, was the smells.

He could smell weed, that was for certain. But then, there was alcohol and girls perfume mixed with guys shitty aftershave. There was the lingering scent of mint on Gavin’s breath as he leant in close to his face, telling him he was going to get some shots for them.

Ray had already retreated to a corner after exchanging greetings with a few people, and was handing out pre-rolled joints in exchange for pills and notes, pressed into the palm of his hand. He had about four customers by the time Michael had even walked over, and was tucking what looked like $60 into his pocket.

He caught Michael watching and smiled. “How do you think me and Gavin make our fucking cash?” he asked. Michael just shook his head, smiling weakly. He nodded along to the beat of the music silently, as Ray pulled out his bag of coke and a debit card filed under the name of J ABRAHAM. Michael didn't bother even asking who Mr Abraham was.

 Ray spilled a little powder out onto the small table next to him, and began to make lines with the card. He was silent as he worked quickly Michael kept his mouth shut, and didn't say anything. But the speed of Ray’s movements told Michael that this was the kind of thing the Puerto Rican did often.

Ray looked up from his work for a second, and noticed a girl loitering around, staring at him. He raised his eyebrow, and she nodded. He nodded to Michael, before saying “Here, dude, take over sales for me or a sec.” handing Michael his bag.

“Uh, dude-I don’t know if I can-”

“It’s six bucks for a joint, two for ten or five for twenty-five. Bags are fifteen and skins are free.” Ray shrugged, before bending down over the table. Michael could hear him snorting violently and winced a little, before turning his attention to the girl who walked up to him.

“How much for two.” She asked.

“Uh, ten bucks.”

“Hm… got any pills.”

“Uh, I don’t think so. Sorry.”

The girl shrugged, running her hand through her dark hair before reaching ten dollars out of her pocket and handing it to him. Michael fumbled in the bag for a second, before handing her two pre-rolled joints.

“Uh, would you like any skins with that?”

The girl frowned. “Why would I need skins if it’s already rolled?” She asked, placing the joint between her lips and lighting it. Michael blushed.

“I- forget about it.”

“Yeah. I will.” She turned and walked away, just as Michael felt Ray’s bony hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry buddy, stick with me and Gavin, you’ll learn.” He took the bag off of Michael’s shoulder, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

Michael was halfway through saying “I’m not sure if I want to.” When Gavin returned, four little glasses filled with blue liquid in his hands and an unlit joint between his lips.

“Sorry I took so long!” he said, tucking the joint in the back of his trousers.

He handed two glasses to Michael, before downing one himself. “Ray, you’ll never guess who's here!” he said, wiping the corner of his mouth with his thumb.

“Who?” Ray asked, counting his money.

“Joel Heyman! I Haven’t seen him in ages!”

“Me neither.” Ray replied. Gavin scoffed before downing the other shot, and Michael sipped his, wincing at the strong taste of the liquor.

“Michael down it!” Gavin cried.

“Oh, I don’t know if I-”

“Down it!”

 Sending out a silent apology to his father, Michael tipped the drink down the back of his neck and swallowed quickly. He winced, coughing. Gavin just cheered and Ray grinned. Michael reached out with the other shot, offering it to Ray. Surprisingly, he shook his head.

“I don’t drink.” Ray said.

“What?” Michael spluttered, laughing a little.

“I. Don’t. Drink.” Ray repeated, slower. “You’re not drunk already are you?” he asked Michael with a grin.

“So, you’ll do all this shit, but you don’t _drink_? Seriously?” Michael asked.

“Never have, never will.” Ray said as he began drawing more lines on the table with the credit card.

“Why?” Michael asked, Ray just shrugged.

“Tell him Ray!” Gavin said, leaning against the back wall. “Tell him about Papa Narvaez!”

“Leave it Gavin.” Ray said.

“Ray’s dad was an alcoholic.” Gavin explained, ignoring Ray’s hurt glare. “He doesn’t like to talk about it.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Ray said, leaning over and snorting another line with a rolled up dollar bill. He stood, pinching his nose and offered the note to Gavin.

“Alright, but I’m only doing half. Don’t want a repeat of Kara’s, do I?”

“What happened at Kara’s?” Michael asked Ray, as Gavin snorted half of the line.

“He did way too many lines than he should’ve and woke up in the morning with two other dudes and a girl, along with the words ‘Kerry’s Corner’ written on his chest in permanent marker.”

Michael’s jaw fell open, shocked, but Gavin just grinned. “Good night. Well, would’ve been, if I could remember it, I suppose.” He said with a shrug.

Michael was about to respond, when a boy- no, a _man_ approached the table. He had blonde hair and was tall and broad, a sly grin on his face.

“Ray.” He smiled. “Slut.” He looked at Gavin.

“Shut up Ryan, you’re just jealous I haven't let you fuck me.” Gavin said, but he grinned anyway.

“haven't let me fuck you _yet.”_ Ryan corrected him with a smile. “There’s always tonight.”

“Nah. You’re alright. This is Michael by the way. He’s mine and Ray’s new friend, from school.”

Ryan shook Michael’s hand and smiled at him. “Since when did you start hanging out with straight boys?” he asked raising an eyebrow. Michael blushed and Ray laughed.

“Well, he’s not 100%.” He said, shooting a grin at Michael whose blush deepened.

“Michael,” Ryan raised an eyebrow, reaching for Michael’s chin. He cupped it gently. “Ever… experimented?”

 Michael had to pause and consider if Ray kissing him for less than a second counted as experimenting. He decided it didn't, and shook his head no.

“Well,” Ryan smiled. “If you’re ever… bored, I could show you a good time.”

Somehow, Michael blushed even redder as he attempted to stutter out his response, before Gavin stood in front of him, pouting.

“ _Ryan_ , you’re _embarrassing_ him! Stop!”

Ryan just chuckled and retracted his hand. “I’m sorry Michael. I didn’t mean it. Well,” he paused. “If you _are_ ever around… so am I but- that’s not really the reason I came over here.” He turned back to Ray, and his expression switched to one of concern.

“Just came to check that you haven’t fucked Joel whilst I’ve been away this summer.”

Ray grinned. “No. I haven’t fucked Joel.” He said, tiptoeing up to kiss Ryan lightly on the lips.

“Promise?” Ryan asked, running his hand through Ray’s inky hair. Ray smiled.

“Promise. Now fuck off, your looming presence is scaring away the customers. They think you’re a fucking undercover cop or something.”

Ryan laughed before walking away, waving goodbye. Gavin nudged Ray with his hip, grinning. “Haven’t fucked Joel? Seriously?”

“Hey! He never asked about Joel fucking me, did he?!” he said. Gavin and Ray both burst out laughing, and after a few seconds, Michael joined in awkwardly.

“Still. I don’t know why you’re still with Ryan when he’s an absolute _nutter_. He’ll fuck anyone, but he hates the idea of you getting your dick wet!”

Ray sighed. “He’s not like that when it’s just us, Gav. He’s really sweet, he’s just… protective.”

“He’s a fucking loon, if you ask me. Joel’s much nicer.”

“Yeah, but Joel can’t make me come four times in one fucking night.”

This started Gavin off laughing again, and Ray grinned coyly, shaking his head. Michael joined in, but offered no comment. He didn't really know what to say. He looked around the room, and felt like an alien landing on a new planet. This was a whole other kind of life that Ray and Gavin lived, and was one that Michael had never experienced.

Despite their weird, polyamorous morals and their drug habits, Michael still kind of liked Gavin and Ray. They were nice and funny and… Gavin was really incredible but-

“Michael, you want a hit?”

Michael turned to look back at Gavin, who was holding a lit joint out to him. Ray was now pinned against the wall by a guy that Michael didn't know, and was making out with him furiously, running his hands up and down the man’s neck and through his dark hair.

“Don’t let Ryan catch you two at it, he’ll have Joel’s bollocks for a key-ring!” Gavin called. The two stopped, and the man named Joel rolled his eyes, before grinning as he took Ray by the hand and led him out the room. Gavin smiled.

“Isn’t that lovely Michael?” he asked. Michael shrugged.

“Uh. I don’t know, is it?” He asked as he took the joint from between Gavin’s fingers. (There was no real harm in smoking a little pot at a party, was there?) He inhaled it slowly like the cigarette, but the feeling was different…

It didn't burn, it was smoother, but also stronger. Suddenly, everything around him, the whole party sounded like it was underwater. He exhaled slowly, and watched as the thick, yellowish smoke flowed into the air.

“Just, the way Joel looks at him. The way Ryan looks at him too- I just wish I had someone who’d look at me like that.” Gavin sighed, looking to the floor. “Most guys that fuck me don’t even tell me their names first.”

Michael frowned. He’d been so distracted he hadn’t even really been listening except for the last sentence. He could feel the weed mixing in with the blue liquor from before inside of him, and his heart was beating faster. He took another drag, to calm himself.

“Hey.” He said, walking closer to Gavin. “Dude, you’re fucking awesome. All the girls… and the guys are practically fucking begging for it. I _wish_ I could be like you.”

“Really?” Gavin asked, smiling weakly.

( _Wait_ , had he said that last part out loud?)

“Uh, yeah,” Michael blushed. “Really.”

Gavin grinned. “Michael?” he asked “When was the last time you got laid?”

“Uh.” Michael shrugged in a way he hoped looked casual. “A while.”

“Right!” Gavin grabbed Michael by the hand, and began to pull him across the room. “I'll find you someone.”

Before Michael could protest, Gavin was babbling as he pulled him through the house, closely Inspecting everyone that walked by. “We’ll find you a girl, because although you’re… curious, you look like a topper to me. And even if you weren’t- I don’t think any of these pricks will be gentle with you- it being your first time with a guy… trust me, I know from experience.”

Michael wondered what kind of awful and amazing experiences Gavin had had, living in New York. He hadn’t even asked him how long he had been a New Yorker, as he was obviously from England originally. But when had he moved to America? When did he and Ray become close?

“Barbara!” Gavin yelled. A pretty blonde girl standing outside the kitchen turned around, smiling widely.

“Hey asswipe.”she said. She nodded at Michael. “I’m Barbara, nice to meet you.”

“This is Michael. He needs to get laid. Will you have sex with him?”

Barbara laughed, before pulling the joint from Gavin’s fingers and taking a hit herself. “You’ve been smoking too much.” She said, rolling her eyes.

“ _Barb”_ Gavin whined.

“ _Gav_.” Barbara mimicked his tone. “Still, nice to meet you Michael.”

She turned around and walked away from them both, speaking to another blonde girl in the corner, the two laughing about something. She still had the almost-smoked out joint in her hands, and exhaled smoke through her nose as she spoke.

“She’s seems nice.” Michael said, but if he was honest the details of the conversation they had had with Barbara two minutes ago was starting to slip from his mind slowly. Maybe this was normal?

“Yeah Barb’s alright. She’s a good lay too- I’d probably fuck her more often if she wasn’t like, one of my best mates.”

Michael snorted. “You fuck all your friends?”

Gavin just gave him a small smile, and hung his head a little. “Not all of them are my friends.” For a second, Gavin looked almost sad. But that couldn’t be right, could it? Every second he’d spent with Gavin over the past day, he’s been a bouncing ball of energy, sending everyone he spoke to a big smile and a laugh. Gavin wasn’t ever _sad_ was he? “Come on, let’s get a beer.” Gavin said, pulling Michael out of his own thoughts and into the kitchen.

* * *

In the kitchen, Michael had seen Joel. He met another man named Greg? Gary? Geoff?

It could’ve been Geoff. He wasn’t sure.

Gavin was very social, Michael had learned. Everybody _loved_ Gavin. The all laughed and joked with him, and gave him hugs and… kisses.

Yeah… some of them had kissed Gavin. And it hadn’t made Michael feel good, to watch all those guys that he didn't know, rubbing their hands and their lips all over Gavin. It had made him feel strange.

And then, Gavin disappeared upstairs with a boy that Michael couldn’t really remember. But he didn't leave Michael alone.

Katie was a very nice girl, with pretty red hair and big brown eyes. She reminded him of Lindsay, in a way. But she wasn’t a funny or smart as Lindsay.

Katie kissed him over and over, backing him up against the wall of the kitchen and rubbing her hips against his. Michael had closed his eyes and pretended she was Gavin.

But he couldn’t pretend anymore when she whispered in his ear, asking him to follow her upstairs.

On the way out, he saw Ray sitting on Ryan’s lap on a sofa he hadn’t noticed before. They weren’t kissing, but Michael thought he might have seen Ryan’s hand down Ray’s cargo shorts. Might have.

Katie held his hand the whole way up, but her hands weren’t as soft as Gavin’s were. Michael stumbled a little on the stairs, and she laughed at him, but not in a mean way. He explained to her that the stairs were moving too quickly.

Katie took him into a bedroom, and Michael switched his brain off before having sex with her. Part of that had to do with the fact that he could’ve sworn he could hear Gavin’s voice in the next room, crying out things like ‘faster’ and ‘harder’.

“That should’ve been me in there with him.” Was the last thing he remembered mumbling.


	2. Six Kinds of Fucked-Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gav and Michael have a little bonding sesh, Ray meets with Ryan, and all is not well- Geoff steps in and offers some (arguably) good advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates on Sundays.

Michael woke up back in his bed in his dorm as his seven am alarm blared. For a second, he had almost convinced himself the party was a dream. Then, his head starting _pounding_. Followed by his entire body.

“Turn that shit off.” Grumbled Ray from his bed.

“No.” Michael mumbled, sitting slowly up. “We gotta get to class.”

Ray laughed. “Wasn’t what you were saying last night.” He said. Michael frowned.

“Why, what did I say? And why does my head fucking _hurt_ so much?”

“You were just talking shit dude. Saying you didn't even want to go to college and you hated your dad- standard stuff.” Ray said dismissively, propping his head up on his hand so he could sit up and look at Michael. “And about your head, fucking alcohol, it’ll do that to you. Drugs, however, much nicer. I feel fine. Well, I would, if I hadn’t have been woken up at fuck-you o’clock anyway.” He grinned.

“Don’t worry Michael, I got some pills off Chaz that’ll sort your headache right out.”

Michael jumped so violently he almost fell out of his bed when he realised Gavin was sitting at the end of it, cross legged in his clothes from the night before, bandana askew on his head.

“Here.” He mumbled, tossing something to Michael. His glasses, still intact, landed with a thud on the bed in his lap, along with a small clear plastic bag with a small orange pill inside.

“I went back to that girl before I came here. She wasn’t happy to see me a four am.” He explained with a breathy laugh. “Still sucked me off though.” He added.

Ray laughed as he sat up stretching out his back. Michael just smiled, add didn’t comment as he slipped his glasses on his face. Once Gavin’s face came properly into focus, Michael’s breath hitched. He looked tired, but _beautiful_. (Could boys even be _beautiful_? Maybe it was just Gavin.)

“My fucking back kills.” Ray grumbled, rubbing his eyes and reaching for his own glasses.

“Yeah, well, that’s what you get for being such a slut.” Gavin teased, smiling softly. His own eyes were rimmed red, like he’d been crying. Michael wondered if he had.

“I’m not a slut!” Ray exclaimed, stepping out of his bed. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, only his boxers, and as he turned to face the wardrobe, Michael and Gavin could see the love-bites and scratches covering his back. Gavin grinned.

“You sure about that?” he asked.

Ray turned around, confused, and then caught sight of his back in the mirror. He rubbed at it, as if the marks would just fade away.

“That _motherfucker_!” He exclaimed. “How am I gonna explain this shit to Ryan?”

Gavin just laughed, and Michael joined in. Ray shot a middle finger up at the two of them, before pulling some clothes out of the wardrobe.

“Should probably get ready. Classes start in half an hour.”

OOo

Michael was (hoping) to major in Engineering, as per is father’s requests. But that didn't mean he couldn’t take other classes whilst in college. He sat in his first lecture on English Literature and smiled, feeling like he _belonged_ somewhere for the first time in the week since he had arrived.

He knew Gavin was mainly studying cinematography and media, but he had no idea the Brit also took an interest in Literature. Gavin surprised him by showing up to the lecture fifteen minutes in, earning a disappointed glare from The Professor.

“Late on the first lecture? I hope we won't be making a habit of this, Mr…?”

“Free. Gavin Free. Sorry about that.”

Their professor simply nodded and sighed, before turning back to his board and continuing speaking. Either Gavin didn’t see Michael or just didn't want to cause any more ruckus in the classroom, and took a seat on the other side of the hall, up in one of the back rows. He pulled his books out, and immediately began writing.

Michael hadn’t been aware that there were some things Gavin actually took seriously. That his entire life wasn’t just about sex and drugs and parties. Michael found his concentration slipping as the class continued, being completely immersed in watching Gavin from across the room. The Brit hadn’t noticed him yet, and was lost in his work, hand moving at rapid pace across his paper.

Soon, the lecture was over, and people were collecting up their books and leaving. As Michael saw Gavin stand up, he rushed to shove his books into his bag and ran over, not wanting to miss him.

Gavin turned around at the last minute, and noticed Michael bounding towards him. He grinned.

“Hello Michael.”

“Gavin,” Michael panted. “I-uh, I didn't know you took English Lit.”

Gavin shrugged, lacing his arm with Michael’s so they could walk out of the hall together. “There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, Michael.”

Michael wasn’t quite sure how to reply to Gavin’s ambiguous statement, instead letting himself be pulled out of the room, arm linked with Gavin’s tightly.

“Do you have any other classes today?” Gavin asked.

“I’ve got my first Engineering class, but it isn’t for a few hours.”

“Good!” Gavin exclaimed. “Now we can hang out together!”

Michael felt himself grinning back at the Brit, as Gavin guided them across the campus. NYU was beautiful, Michael thought. Summer was finally starting to fade into Autumn, but the weather outside was still pleasant. Michael wore a hoodie, but Gavin had nothing thicker than his red t-shirt, but he didn't shiver, despite how prominent the goose bumps on his arms were.

Gavin guided him over to a small patch of grass on the edge of the campus, and the two sat beneath a tree. Gavin reached into his bag, pulling out a carton of cigarettes, offering one to Michael.

“Won’t we get in trouble?” he asked, taking one and rolling it between hs fingers thoughtfully. Gavin laughed.

“Michael this is college, not _high school_ ” he said, lighting his cigarette. He exhaled smoke as he continued “I won't tell if you don’t.”

Michael didn't reply, instead lighting is own cigarette, and taking a drag like Ray had shown him. It still hurt a little, but he pretended like it didn't.

“So,” Michael said. “I, uh, I didn’t know you liked English.”

Gavin smiled. “Well. I am English, aint I? I think I owe it to her Maj to make sure there’s a least one Brit in every English class.”

Michael laughed. “Is that seriously your only reason?” he asked. Gavin smiled softly, and shook his head.

“I just like it, I guess. Literature is all about stories, isn’t it? And without stories, we wouldn’t have movies. And a world without cinema is a world I wouldn’t wanna live in.”

Michael grinned as he listened to Gavin talk. His eyes lit up as he spoke about the subject he was passionate about. For a moment, he looked _blissful_.

“Sorry. Probably sounds stupid.”

At that moment, Michael realised he has been too busy staring at Gavin in awe than actually listening to what he was saying or responding in any way. His cheeks heated up, and he shook his head.

“No- no I think it’s really cool, actually.”

“Really?” Gavin asked, looking up and into Michael’s eyes.

“Really.”

Gavin grinned and rocked to his side, resting his head against Michael’s. “You’re aright you know Michael.” He said.

Michael was thankful Gavin wasn’t looking at him anymore, and couldn’t see his blush or the stupid smile on his face.

“Thanks.” He said. “You’re alright too, Gav.”

OoO

The next few hours were spent just sitting out on the green, smoking and talking and sharing their life stories. Michael wanted to ask where Ray was, but got too lost in the look in Gavin’s eyes as he spoke of his life back home and his best friend Dan who left at the age of eighteen to join the army. Gavin told him about the girl he lost his virginity too when he was sixteen, drunk and lost in somewhere called Manchester that was apparently very far from his house when he went back for a summer.

Then Michael told Gavin about Lindsay and how she’d sort of been the only girlfriend he’d ever had but now she was back home and he was here. How Lindsay was the only girl he’d ever loved.

Gavin laughed softly at this, and smoke escaped from his mouth into the air. “ _Love, love, love_ ,” he mused. “ _What is it good for? Absolutely nothing_.”

“Haven’t you ever… you know, had your heart broken?” Michael asked. Gavin shrugged, stumping his cigarette out in the grass.

“Can’t get your heart broken if you act like you don’t have one.” Gavin shrugged.

Michael’s eyes narrowed as he looked at Gavin, who had his head hanging low on his neck. For the first time he noticed how _tired_ Gavin looked. The dark circles under his eyes and the dry patches in his skin. The veins prominent across the back of his hands and the way he sat with his body hunched over, cradling his body legs and resting his head on his knees. The way his eyes would fade, flat and grey- even though Michael had seen them _sparkle_ before.

Michael had a thousand questions racing through his mind, but chose to ask none of them. He had only known Gavin two days. Was it really his right to pry?

He decided no, it wasn’t, and changed the subject.

“So ... What are you doing tonight?” he asked.

Gavin shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“No parties?” Michael asked. Gavin smiled.

“Michael, there’s always a party. This is New York, remember. Maybe I just don’t feel like going.”

“What about Ray?” Michael asked.

“Well, it’s Tuesday, so he’ll probably stay over at Ryan’s and come back to class in the morning.”

“So what is all that, with Ray and Ryan and that other guy, Joe?”

“Joel.” Gavin corrected. “And I don’t know.” He shrugged. “Ray can never decide what he wants, I suppose. So he fucks other people, because he knows Ryan does the same thing. I think he does half of it for attention, but then sometimes, we’ll hang out with Joel and I see something light up in Ray’s eyes. And then, he’ll bugger off and fuck Joel, Ryan will find out and he’ll go mental. And I think Ray sort of likes it.”

“But- you’re all like that, aren’t you?” Michael said. Gavin frowned.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“At that party, all your friends- none of you are apparently together, but it doesn’t stop you from… having sex. You told me you fuck Barbara. I saw you kissing some random guy in the kitchen. Ryan outright asked to fuck you, in front of me and Ray. Ray kissed me on my first day here, and then laughed about it… you fuck all your friends, apparently.”

Gavin sighed, and shook his head. “It isn’t like that.” He said, teeth gritted.

“Isn’t it?”

“No!” Gavin shouted. Michael flinched, and Gavin immediately looked guilty. “I-I'm sorry Michael. I shouldn’t’ve-”

“No I’m sorry- I shouldn’t have said-”

“Forget it.”

But as Gavin's smile returned to his face, Michael didn't want to forget. He didn't want to forget the sad look on Gavin’s face or the way his personality split like a crossroads. He wanted to ask, he wanted to _know_ everything that went on in Gavin’s head.

But instead, he stayed silent.

“Anyway Michael, I’ve got class to get to.” Gavin said, standing up. “I'll see you later. Maybe. I’m not sure yet.”

“O-Okay. Goodbye…” Michael stuttered, but Gavin was already too far away to hear him.

oOo

Gavin was moping and so was Michael, so Ray could only assume they were moping about each other. It was odd, seeing Gavin actually upset over someone he liked. It wasn’t something that happened very often, considering Gavin’s love ‘em and leave ‘em lifestyle.

Still. Ray had other things on his mind as he slipped his hoodie on, waked past Michael, who was sat cross legged over a textbook on his bed, and walked out of the room.

He had better things to do (in every sense of the word) that night then watch arguably his two closest friends be sad because of each other. They’d be fine, Ray told himself as he left campus and pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialling Ryan’s number. Gavin would get a call from _somebody_ , and go out to have a good time. Michael would study for his stupid quiz and get straight A’s and he’d be happy.

And Ray… Ray would just stand here on the curb outside his school, and watch Ryan’s silver Mercedes pull up beside him. The windows were tinted, so Ray couldn’t see inside and judge Ryan’s mood yet, which made him a little nervous.

He slipped in the car, and thankfully, Ryan was smiling.

“Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long.” He said, pulling away from the curb. Ray shrugged, and pulled his beanie down over his ears.

“Nah. I was only waiting like a minute.” He said. Ryan nodded, fingers tapping against the steering wheel.

“You wanna stay over mine, or should I take you back to school later tonight?” Ryan asked. Ray glanced at the clock in Ryan’s car, and gritted his teeth.

“I better stay,” he said. “I don’t have any early classes tomorrow anyway.”

“Perfect.” Ryan said, grinning. “You know how _adorable_ you are in the mornings."

“Shut up.” Ray giggled. Ryan didn't reply, just wound down the windows as he pulled out onto one of the main roads, pressure on the pedal increasing slightly so that the car gained speed, tearing through the streets. Ray rested on his arms for a bit, head poking out of his window. He loved the way the cool air felt, whipping through his hair.

“Hey.” He said, leaning back into the car and smiling. “Remember when we hot-boxed your car that one time, and had to drive all the way home like this so your mom wouldn’t get suspicious?”

Ryan laughed at this. “Yes. And I remember the time I spent half an hour cleaning the seats of my dad’s car because… well- someone got excited.”

Ray blushed, and shook his head, smiling. “Dude. You were the one with your dick in my ass.”

“Guilty as charged.” Ryan retorted, raising his fingers off of the steering wheel for a second. “Still. Don’t have to worry about any of that crap anymore, do we?”

Ray shrugged. “I don’t know.” He said. “I kinda liked it. All that sneaking around and shit. It was fun.” He said, shrugging. Ryan smiled softly.

“Remember when you had to climb out of my bedroom window?”

“Remember when your mom caught us kissing in the kitchen, but she was so drunk she didn't even remember it the next morning?”

“Remember when you couldn’t keep quiet, and my dad thought we were fighting?”

Ray laughed aloud, relishing in the memories. “I do. God, that was hilarious.” He said, clutching his stomach. Ryan nodded.

“It was. Still, now I have my own place- we don’t have to worry about any of that shit. You can stay whenever you want, smoke as much dope as you want…” he trailed off. “ _scream_ as loud as you want.” He added, taking a sideways glance at Ray, who blushed.

“I’m not a screamer.” He mumbled. Ryan laughed.

“Right. Of course you’re not.” He replied, pulling into his parking slot, outside his building. The pair climbed out of the car, and walk in. Ryan nodded at the doorman, and made his way to the elevator, Ray hot on his heels.

“Shit dude.” Said Ray, as they enter the elevator, and a gloved merchant pressed the penthouse button, turning a key. “I forget how _loaded_ you are sometimes.”

Ryan raised an eyebrow and smiled, but didn’t say anything. Ray then felt the warm weight of Ryan’s hand slipping in his, as the elevator came to a stop, and the doors opened to Ryan’s room. Ryan slipped twenty dollars to the assistant, who nodded at him gratefully, before the doors closed, cutting them off.

Ray reached into his bag as his footsteps echoed through the giant suite and pulled out a pre-rolled joint, lighting it on the Zippo Ryan already had outstretched in his hand.

“Thanks.” He mumbled, before taking a hit, letting the smoke flow through him as he tossed his jacket to the ground and slipped his shoes off.

“And the rest.” Ryan ordered, taking the joint from Ray’s fingers and taking a hit himself. Ray laughed.

“You wish.”

Ryan was behind him then, his warm breath hot on Ray’s soft neck. He placed a kiss there first, slipping the joint between Ray’s lips tenderly. Then, against Ray’s back, he stiffened.

“Something wrong?” Ray asked, already beginning to feel the smoke cloud his mind.

“Yes.” Ryan said. “Take your shirt off.”

Ray frowned. “Why?”

“Do it.” Ryan ordered, teeth gritted. Ray squirmed, fingers itching at the hem a little. _Shit_. He thought _he must have noticed. He isn’t high enough to not notice yet. Shit. Shit. Shit._

“Now!”

Sighing, Ray slipped his shirt off, and felt Ryan’s cool hands clench into fists behind him.

“Ryan- I-”

Ryan silenced him with a finger to his lips, and Ray shivered a little as Ryan ran his fingers up and down his spine a few times, touch so light, but powerful.

“Joel?” Ryan asked. Ray nodded, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“Of course.” Ryan mused. “Who else, right?”

“It was nothing Ryan.” Ray insisted “We were just… messing around.”

“Shut. Up.” Ryan spoke dangerously slow, and Ray felt his insides clench. He wanted to turn around, look Ryan in the eyes and beg forgiveness- like he usually did, but his feet felt stuck to the floor.

“I can't… I can’t believe you’d… you’d let him do this to you.” Ryan sighed, and Ray heard him pacing up and down behind him. “I thought- I thought you were?... I thought _we_ were…?”

“I am, we a-”

“No. shut up. I thought…” Ryan walked around, so he was standing in front of Ray. He frowned again, eyebrows furrowed harshly. “Never mind. Just get out.”

“Ryan-”

“Fucking go!” Ryan roared. Immediately, Ray slipped his shirt back on, grabbed his jacket and his bag, and walked to the door. He stopped before he had a chance to press the elevator button. This was different, somehow. This wasn’t what usually happened. He fooled around with Joel and Ryan would get angry, but at the end of it, he would always end up getting laid by both of them. That’s how his relationship(s) _worked_ , that’s how they’d _always_ worked. Ryan went out and fucked other people and he wouldn’t bat an eye, because he _knew_ Ryan would always come back to him. Ryan was a gentleman. Ryan was gentle _with_ him, when he wanted to be. Sweet _lovely_ Ryan.

“Bullshit.” He muttered under his breath.

“I thought I told you to fucking leave.” Ryan called. Ray clenched his fist, and turned around to see Ryan, puffing from _his_ joint and leaning against the counter.

“No. wait- fuck you.” Ray said. Ryan looked up at this, and frowned, feeling the anger rise up inside of him.

“Excuse me?”

“This isn’t how this goes Ryan! No! You fuck other people, and I pretend not to mind. So I fuck Joel to get back at you, and you show me who I belong to. That’s how we work, that’s how we’ve _always_ worked!  But now you wanna _throw me out_? What the fuck is _this_?”

Ryan frowned, and squints his eyes, peering at Ray. “Is that what you think our relationship is?” he asks. “Some kind of fucking _game_?” he shouted. “Jesus Ray, I knew you were just a _kid_ , but I didn't know you were a fucking _toddler_!”

Ray could feel a stinging in his eyes, but refused to give in. “Oh you know what? Fuck you Ryan!” he shouted, before calling the elevator, and slipping inside as soon as the doors are open. He faintly heard Ryan calling after him as the doors closed, but he didn’t make an effort to go back.

“Uh. Floor, Sir?”

Ray sniffed the tears back. “Ground.” He replied. The elevator whirred to life, rushing down twenty flights and stopping in the lobby. Ray didn't give the handler money, because he didn’t have any. He didn’t miss the dirty looks he received from the snooty receptionists or the security guards, and lit up a cigarette before he was even out of the door, inhaling sharply and exhaling once he was out in the night.

He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, and dialled Joel’s number.

“Hey J-Roll!” he greeted, trying to sound as chipper as possible. “You free?”

He heard Joel’s sharp intake of breath at the other end of the line, and his face fell. “Actually- uh, Ray- I’m kinda busy at the moment.”

“Joel!” a feminine voice called. “Come on!”

Ray sighed. “Fine. Whatever. No big deal, right?”

“Right.” Joel agreed. “See you this weekend, at Macey’s?”

“Yeah, sure- whatever. Later Joel.”

So not only was he alone, but he was actually lonely too- fucking great. He couldn’t even call a cab because he didn’t have any money, so Ray dialled the only other number he knew he could count on.

“H-Hey Geoff.”

“Ray? You alright, kid?”

“Uh.” Ray tried to will his voice to stay steady even though he could feel the tears building in the back of his throat at just the mere concern in Geoff’s voice. “D’you think you could come pick me up?”

Geoff didn’t hesitate. “Where are you?”

Ray sniffed, but it came out like more of a sob. “Ryan’s place.”

“I'll be there in five.”

Geoff’s black piece-of-shit car rolled up in three minutes, and Ray climbed into the passenger seat, furiously wiping his eyes. Geoff handed him a tissue, which he accepted.

“The mighty slut, Ray Narvaez Jr, crying over a boy? What has the world come to?” Geoff asked. Ray wanted to smile, but it came out as more of a teary grimace.

“Shut up. I’m not crying. I just have allergies.”

“What happened, Ray?” Geoff asked, voice taking on a much softer tone all too quickly. Ray shrugged, and looked out the window.

“Ray…” Geoff sighed. “I’m not gonna ask again. What's going on?”

Ray sighed. He looked at the road, the streetlights casting half shadows across his face. He looked at Geoff, with his concerned gaze and giant moustache. He opened his mouth, and vented.

“I-it’s just… I don’t know why I do it Geoff.” He finished, shaking his head and tossing his third cigarette out of the window. “I don’t know why I love him, but I do.”

“Jesus.” Geoff breathed. “You’re six kinds of fucked up, aren’t you?” he asked. Ray nodded, and laughed.

“You could say that.” He said, shrugging and winding the window up as they pulled up outside Geoff’s house. “Or, you could give me some advice.”

Geoff smiled, and the two climbed out of the car, walking into Geoff’s house.

“Griffons asleep.” Geoff said in a quiet tone, moving into the kitchen, and pouring two whiskeys. He sipped his, and handed the other to Ray, who shook his head. Geoff rolled his eyes.

“Oh, I forgot- you’re broken.” He said, turning to the fridge and pulling out a Dr Pepper can.

“Yep. That’s me. _Broken._ ” Ray said, a sad kind of smile on his face. Geoff smiled at him sympathetically, and ran a hand through Ray’s hair.

“The only advice I can give you, Ray, is decide who makes _you_ happy.  That’s the only way you’re gonna be happy yourself.” Geoff swallowed the contents of both glasses, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Enjoy the couch.” He mumbled, leaning forwards to place a sloppy kiss the top of Ray’s head, before he ascended the stairs.

“Thanks Geoff.” Ray whispered. “goodnight.”

“Night kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, here's me, updating on time and explaining shit! In this story, Ray, Gav and Michael - being college Freshman are all eighteen-nineteen. It's mentioned (later) that Ryan was a senior when Gavin and Ray were high school freshmen, so he's about twenty-one/twenty-two. He has his own apartment because he's a (barely) snooty rich-kid. Geoff is a little bit older, kind of twenty-three/twenty-four, and everyone else is somewhere between the ages if eighteen and twenty-three(ish), it isn't really too important.


	3. You're Not Fucked-Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin comes to a worrying realization. Michael finally opens up about something he had been keeping quiet for a long time and Ray smacks him in the face with the truth.

The music was pounding, and Gavin felt like he was alive. He was well aware that he was tripping _dangerously_ , as he jumped up and down on the wooden floorboards and felt like he was flying. People around him were dancing and moving together, but Gavin held his own rhythm. All he cared about, was the feeling of the _indescribable_ , pulsing through him.

“Fuck. Dude. You okay?” a voice asked. Gavin squinted and opened his eyes, looking at the stranger above him. He had pale skin and curly hair, but his eyes were blue. The _wrong_ colour.

“Michael?” he asked, even though he knew that Michael’s eyes were brown.

“Uh… it’s Brett, actually. And you are aware you’ve been laying here on the stairs for half-an-hour, right?”

Gavin frowned, slowly sitting up and hearing his back click unpleasantly. “That’ll explain why my back hurts so much.” He mumbled. Brett smiled.

“You want me to uh, take you home?”

“What time is it?” Gavin asked, looking around at his surroundings for the first time. It was a house, but the house was empty.

“Three Am. Parties over, dude.”

“This is your house?” Gavin asked. Brett nodded, and Gavin raised his eyebrows. “Jesus. Sorry about… the mess then.”

Brett laughed. “It’s okay. My parents are away for another two days, I'll clean it up. But, uh, do you want me to drive you anywhere?”

Gavin shook his head. “It’s too late… or early, to try and get back into school, I'll probably be arrested for breaking and entering.” He mused. Brett laughed a little at that.

“Oh, you’re in NYU?” he asked. Gavin nodded.

“Well… I suppose you can crash here for the night.”

“Really?” Gavin asked, raising an eyebrow. Brett shrugged. “You hardly know me!” Gavin said.

“It’s fine. Consider it a solid. For not puking anywhere…” he held out his hand, helping Gavin stand up. “Wait. You didn't puke anywhere, did you?”

Gavin shook his head. “No. I haven’t vomited since… a while.”

Gavin let Brett lead him up the stairs, his hand warm and only a little clammy, and it felt nice. It felt nice to be lead upstairs by an attractive guy without any hollow promises of sex hanging on his shoulders.

“You’re nice, Brett.” He said, voice only wavering a little. Brett smiled.

“I try.” He said, ushering Gavin into the bed. Gavin allowed himself to fall, and watched Brett slip off his t-shirt and climb in beside him.

“You okay with this?” Brett asked. “Me sleeping here? I mean… I could take the couch if you’d feel more-”

“Your house.” Gavin shrugged, shifting to get comfortable. “Do what you like mate.”

And then, Gavin fell into a deep sleep.

oOo

He dreamt of Michael.

The dream started out as real as any reality could be. The two of them went to class, sat on the green. They smoked and shared stories. Michael took him by the hand, and led him away. The world began to melt around them, and Gavin found himself back in the dorms.

Michael kissed him, and he felt like he was exploding.

Gavin woke up, and stretched like a cat, trying to ignore the pounding in his head. _Fuck, where are my pills?_ He thought, reaching out blindly to where he dresser was supposed to be. He frowned upon realising there was no dresser, only a cool wall. This wasn’t his bed, he concluded as he opened his eyes and turned, noticing the boy next to him.

It all came back to him in fits and flashes, Brett’s smiling face leading him upstairs. Giving him a bed to sleep in. _Not_ using him for sex.

“Brett?” he asked, sceptically. The boy groaned quietly, before turning to face Gavin. He smiled.

“Hey. Gav- Gavin, right?” he asked. Gavin nodded.

“Thanks… for giving me a place to stay.” Gavin said, sitting up. He noticed his shoes, out in the hallway, laying on their sides, and walked over to them. His dream of Michael burned at the fore-front of his mind, and he felt a little embarrassed and more than a little confused. “I’ve gotta go.” He called behind him, slipping his shoe on.

“D’you have to?” Brett asked, scratching his naked chest. Gavin smiled apologetically, and nodded his head. “You could skip school. You could stay here… with me.”

Gavin shook his head. “I’m really sorry, Brett. You’re really nice, and everything but… there’s someone else, I think.”

“Oh.” Brett said, nodding. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just assumed-”

“It’s fine, Brett,” Gavin laughed. “People’ve assumed a lot worse about me, I promise you that.” He said, fumbling in his back pocket and pulling out his cigarette packet.

“Who’s the lucky guy… or girl?” Brett asked as Gavin lit his cigarette. Gavin smiled.

“I just met him the other day, he goes to NYU as well. I think I might like him, and not just in a sex way- you know? Any other time, I’d like nothing more than to stay here and have you fuck me all day, but now- he’s all I can think of, apparently.”

“I’m flattered you’d assume, but I’m definitely not a topper.” Brett said, stretching his arms above his head. Gavin laughed aloud and shrugged his shoulders once.

“Well. I guess we were doomed from the start then, right?” he joked, taking a drag. Brett chuckled from the bed, but said nothing, and the two fell silent.

“I’m gonna go.” Gavin mumbled. “Thank you. For everything.”

“No problem.” Brett replied. “I hope things go well with… Michael.”

Gavin froze. “How did you know?” he asked. Brett laughed.

“You called me by his name when I woke you up. You were muttering his name in the night too. Educated guess.”

Gavin smiled and then turned around, descending the stairs. He approached the front door quickly, and reached to turn the handle, and was about to pull before he stopped, frowning.

“Brett!” he called.

“Yeah?”

“Where the fuck am I, by the way?”

oOo

Michael hadn’t heard Ray speak a word since he returned Wednesday morning with a stony expression and a joint already hanging out of his mouth. He also knew for a fact that Ray hadn’t been to class in three days. Michael was worried, but wasn’t quite sure how to approach the subject. Sure, Ray was his friend, but he had barely known the New Yorker a few weeks.

He confided this in Gavin, as the two sat outside on campus between classes, sharing four and a half cigarettes and an over-priced energy drink between them. Student life was almost poverty, apparently.

“You’d know if something happened Gav, I mean you and Ray are so close. You must be able to get something out of him, right?” Michael asked. Gavin just shrugged.

“Listen Michael, there’s one thing you’ll learn about Ray. When he doesn’t want to tell you something, you sure as fuck aren’t going to hear it.” He laughed. “He’s very… introverted.” He continued. “Never been great at making friends. Never been great in social situations either.”

“Really?” Michael asked incredulously. “You sure we’re talking about the same guy? The same guy that kissed me the first time we met? _”_

Gavin laughed again. “Yep.” He said, taking a drag of his cigarette. “He used to be a lot worse. It was only since… well, since he met Ryan he really started to come out of his shell.”

“Yeah… what’s the deal with Ryan? I don’t understand, like, who is he?”

“We all went to school together.” Gavin explained. “Ray was a freshman and Ryan was a senior. I joined towards the middle of freshman year, just about the time Ryan started taking an interest in Ray. It was never really _sexual_ between them, they just found an unlikely friendship. But then we turned fifteen and Ray told me he lost his virginity to Ryan. And I knew Ryan was a really nice guy, but I was worried. Because Ray just spent all his time with Ryan. But I knew Ryan spent all his time at college parties fucking everyone and taking drugs and stuff, and I didn't want to get Ray mixed up in any of that.”

Michael scoffed at this interpretation of Gavin, and the Brit shot him a glare.

“So I told Ray this,” he continued. “But he said he already knew. He said he and Ryan weren’t exclusive, they were just friends. So then when Ray started to make other friends and get invited to all these parties through Ryan, I went along with him.”

“And look at you now.” Michael said. “Life and soul of the party, right?”

Gavin rolled his eyes. “Something like that. I like Ryan. He’s a nice guy and a good lay, but I just think Ray’s never quite realised that he’s in love with him, you know? He got too caught up in all the drugs and the parties and stuff.” Gavin laughed, tossing his cigarette into the grass. “I'll never forget the first time we got high together. Ray had done it before with Ryan, but I hadn’t. I was still a fucking virgin, in every sense of the word. But Ray got us some weed and some fags and we smoked it all at his house when his parent were away for the weekend. And I fucking loved it.”

“And now you’re corrupting me.” Michael said, lighting up the final half-cigarette that Gavin had found in the bottom of his bag.

“Yeah.” Gavin laughed. “Now we’re corrupting you. But enough about me and Ray, I wanna hear about you Michael!”

“What about me?” Michael laughed, watching as Gavin flopped back on the grass and looked up at the cloudy sky. It wasn’t exactly summer, and the grass was a little damp, but Michael followed Gavin, and laid beside him.

“Your life! Family! The first time you ever drank! The first time you had sex, all of it!”

“Well, you already know about Lindsay, I don’t know what more you’d wanna know, to be honest. I’m not really a very exciting person.”

Michael pretended not to notice the way Gavin inched towards Michael, and laid his head on his shoulder. Gavin’s hair smelt like cigarette smoke and oranges, which tickled Michael’s nose and made him smile.

“What about your parents?” Gavin asked. He felt Michael stiffen beside him, and frowned.

“Sensitive subject?” he asked. Michael shrugged.

“It’s just been me and my dad for… a long fucking time, that’s all.” He said.

“What happened to your mum?” Gavin asked. Michael sighed.

“She… she’s not dead or anything. She just left when I was younger.”

“Why?”

Michael shrugged. “I don’t know. We used to be a good family, the three of us. We were happy. But then, they started arguing and stuff, and then she left. And he was never the same after that.”

Gavin frowned, and silently urged Michael to continue the story that he obviously had to tell. Michael sighed, before continuing.

“I was about nine when it happened, and I was forbidden from seeing my mother, by him. When I was a kid I went along with it, but when I got older I… I just wanted to be normal, you know? Be a normal kid with normal parents. Me and him argued about seeing her and shit and then one day, he fucking went crazy… he…” Michael stopped, and looked to the sky, remembering the day. He shivered a little, telling himself it was just the cold.

“Michael…” Gavin’s voice was small. “Did… did he hit you?”

Michael sighed. “No. I fucking wish he had, to be honest.”

Gavin frowned, confused. He had known kids whose parent had hit them and done a lot worse. He knew how those kids felt and the fear they lived with, every day that their parent was going to come back and start it all over again. So he didn't understand what Michael meant, until he began to explain.

“He fucking broke, Gav. My dad was always very stoic after my mom left. There wasn’t any hugs and kisses on my fucking boo-boo’s or anything like that. No gold stars on my shitty fucking drawings or trips to the movies. But that day, when I begged to see her- he just fucking broke down. He was crying and shouting, and I'll never forget what he fucking said to me.”

Gavin was unsure what to say as Michael fell silent. On one hand, he wanted to know the rest of the story, hear what Michael’s dad had to say. But then the other part of him held the fear of upsetting Michael, and ruining it all.

Michael breathed in and out deeply. “Do you wanna know what he said?” he asked, voice heavy. Gavin nodded silently, and Michael cleared his throat.

“I threatened to run. To run back to her. And he said, ‘no Michael. Please. If you go, I'll kill myself. I'll fucking kill myself.’”

Gavin couldn’t stop himself from gasping quietly, leaning his head up from Michael’s shoulder to look him in the eye.

“Fuck.” He breathed. “Fucking hell Michael.”

“I know right.” Michael replied, sitting up. Gavin sat up at the same time, and reached out, wrapping his hand around Michael’s. Michael smiled down at the gesture, and looked up to Gavin.

“He never talks about it. I was always too scared to ask.” He shrugged. “I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I started to forget her, after that.”

“I’m so sorry Michael.” Gavin said, eyes fixed on his hand, covering Michael’s so perfectly.

“Not your fault, Gav.” Michael said. “I’m just… glad I met you and Ray. With my dad being so strict, I never had many friends back home, and you guys have been really good to me. Even if you’re maybe corrupting me.”

Gavin leant forwards hesitantly, before wrapping his other arm around Michael, pulling him into a hug. Michael returned the hug gratefully, breathing in the ashy smell Gavin carried around.

“Thanks for telling me.” Gavin said. Michael smiled.

“Thanks for listening, I guess.”

Gavin opened his eyes and released Michael, before looking down at his watch. “Shit.” He mumbled. “I’m going to be late for class. Do you have any more classes today?”

Michael shook his head. “No. I’m done for today.”

“Okay.” Gavin nodded, standing up with Michael. “D’you think you could go check on Ray for me? I think you’re right about something being wrong. I'll try and talk to him later, but if you could try now, that’d be top.”

“No problem.” Michael said. “I'll talk to him.”

“Thanks Michael. I'll see you later, yeah? maybe we can go out tonight, if Ray’s stopped moping.”

oOo

Ray glanced at his phone, fingers dancing over the image of an unwritten text message to Ryan. For the millionth time, he decided against writing anything, and tossed his phone back on the bed beside him.

He’d be fine to just sit and smoke his sadness away, if he hadn’t completely run out of weed.  Which really fucking sucked.

Due to having an all access pass to Ryan’s seemingly unlimited supply, Ray had never ran out of weed before. It was a shitty feeling, that he wasn’t keen to ever feel again.

It surprised him how apparently dependent on Ryan he really was.

It surprised him further, that apparently, Ryan wasn’t dependent on him at all.

He hadn’t heard anything out of Ryan since he left his apartment. Not even a fucking text. Ray spoke on the phone with Geoff and bitched about it, saying how Ryan was a bastard who didn't deserve him anyway. Geoff agreed, of course, but Ray knew he was lying.

And then of course, there were Michael and Gavin to factor into the equation. Both of them had miraculously made up, and fuck it- Ray was happy for them. But their sudden happiness occurring at the exact same time as Ray’s cosmic fuck-up wasn’t exactly ideal. Ray knew that they knew something was wrong with him, but they were both probably too pussy to ask.

Ray thought about this and leaned over to fish his last pack of cigarettes out the drawer. He had just broken the seal when Michael entered the room, backpack as weighted as his tired expression and beanie pulled down tightly to his ears, keeping them from the cold.

He took his hat off and dumped his bag as he entered, shooting a tired smile at Ray.

“Hey, you alright?”

Ray nodded, but didn't say anything as he lit up his cigarette. He offered the packet to Michael, who took one gratefully.

“Thanks man. Me and Gav are running short. We’re fucking broke.” He laughed, picking the lighter up of the bed. Ray smiled, but it didn't quite reach is eyes. Michael sat down on his own bed, opposite Ray.

“Hey man, are you okay?” he asked again. Ray looked up. “It’s just, since Wednesday, you’ve barely spoke, barely slept. Did something… happen, between you and Ryan?”

Ray sighed. “It’s nothing Michael.”

“I’m just looking out for you dude, I mean, we’re friends, right? I just wa-”

“Michael. I said it’s nothing.” Ray repeated, but his voice was sterner. Michael just rested his head in his hands, took a drag of his cigarette and laid back on his bed.

“Alright, fine. I’m not gonna pry. But can we at least talk about something instead of sit here in uncomfortable silence?” he asked. Ray smiled.

“Sure.” He said. “Like, for example, what’s going on with you and Gavin?”

Michael felt his cheeks redden. “What are you talking about?”

Ray raised an eyebrow. “Really? What am _I_ talking about?” he asked with a laugh. “Dude, you’re the one fucking blushing.”

“Shut up.” Michael mumbled, covering his face with his hand. Ray laughed again and shook his head endearingly.

“It’s very obvious.” He said.

“Is it?” Michael asked. “I hope Gavin hasn’t noticed… I don’t wanna freak him out or anything with my weird gay thoughts.”

Ray shot Michael a quizzical look. “Wait… you don’t know, do you?” he asked. Michael frowned, “Know what?” he asked.

“That Gavin is fucking head-over-heels for you, that’s what!” Ray laughed. “He’s crushing on you, hard.”

Michael blushed harder and shook his head. “No he isn’t, shut up dude. We’re just friends.”

“Sure.” Ray laughed. “Because Gavin has plenty of ‘friends’ Michael. Friends he fucks and friends he doesn’t. But you don’t fall into either of those categories.”

“Oh yeah?” Michael asked, taking a long drag from his cigarette. “Which category do I fit into?”

“You see, that’s the thing,” Ray explained. “There is no category. I don’t think Gavin’s ever had someone he’s… _liked_. Like, he _likes_ tons of people, sure, but he doesn’t actually _like_ them. Not like he likes you, apparently. I’ve never seen him have actual _feelings_ for _anyone_. You’re a fucking anomaly dude!”

“Seriously?” Michael asked, sitting up. “Gavin’s never had a…. relationship? Of any kind?”

“I don’t think so.” Ray replied, shrugging. “Not whilst I’ve known him anyway. He’s a little bit fucked up, you know.”

Michael nodded. “I know. But then so am I, I guess.”

Ray shook his head. “No you’re not. Not really. You think you are, because you see the way me and Gavin are fucked up, and it appeals to you. You think our… lifestyle is _cool_ , so you let yourself _feel_ fucked up. But I’m telling you Michael- being one of the normal kids? You’re fucking lucky. I’m fucked up- and I've never met anyone more fucked up than Gavin. You’ve gotta be careful with him, alright? Because I swear to god...” Ray stopped himself. “Never mind.”

Michael didn't reply. He just nodded his head, and opened up one of his text books. Ray’s words stung, but unsurprisingly, they felt like the truth.


	4. Dancing And Grinding In The Pale Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray is depressed. Gavin teaches Michael to dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, sorry!

A few nights later, Michael was still contemplating Ray’s words. Gavin wasn’t really… _in love_ with him, was he? Gavin didn't love.

“Ray loves him.” Gavin slurred. “The silly bastard! The only thing I love is getting absolutely _mullered_.” Gavin had literally said to him the day after he spoke to Ray, when he told Gavin that Ray hadn’t been willing to confide in him. Gavin happened to be a little bit stoned when they spoke, but he was sober enough to understand.

“He won't talk. I think you’re right though- I think he really loves Ryan.”

“Love.” Gavin wrinkled his nose up. “What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Get it, Michael- like the song.” He laughed. “The only thing I love is vodka.”

Michael smiled, but he felt sad. Gavin didn't love him- that was dumb. Ray was probably stoned when he was speaking. As usual.

Ray had been working his way into a stoned depressed stupor since what Michael guessed was a fall out with Ryan. He spent his nights huddled up in their room, nursing his bong.

“You coming out tonight X-Ray?” Gavin asked. Ray shook his hand. “Come on, Ray,” Gavin whined. “That’s the last of my weed, and we can’t afford to buy anymore unless we start selling fucking pills or something.”

“We don’t have any pills.” Ray mumbled. “Don’t have nothing.”

“Fine.” Gavin sighed, he glanced to Michael. “Come on, boi.”

Michael followed Gavin out the door, and pretended not to feel worried.

Ooo

They continued going out, just Michael and Gavin for a while. It was nice, getting drunk and high with your new best friend, dancing and laughing every night. So maybe he was falling behind a little on his work, no big deal.

It wasn’t fair at all that Gavin was getting perfect scores on all of his work, the nerdy fucker.

“It’s not fair that you get to go out every night and still be smart, you fucker.”

Gavin had just laughed at him.

Ray on the other hand, actually had a letter delivered to their dorm, saying that he needed to start showing up to classes or he would be kicked off the course he was on. He sighed, but decided there were no drugs left, and he still hadn’t heard from Ryan, so he may as well try and pass fucking college.

So Ray started getting good grades. Michael stopped sleeping, and Gavin never stopped partying. Things were okay. They weren’t great, but they were okay.

Ray stayed behind to do some catch up work with his professor one night, leaving Gavin and Michael alone, hanging out in the dorm.

“That’s it.” Gavin said, stubbing out his cigarette. “Last fag. Gone.”

Michael sighed. “Great.” He mumbled. “Maybe we should give up.”

Gavin nodded. “Good plan. Easier said than done though, right?”

“Right.”

The room fell silent for a while. Gavin stood up and walked over to Michael’s stereo, playing a CD. Something with a nice beat and soft vocals started playing, and Gavin nodded his head to the music, as he looked around the room, at everything Ray and Michael owned.

“You think Ray’s got any baccy?” he asked aloud. Michael frowned.

“What?”

“Tobacco.” Gavin explained. I might roll a fag to take back with me when I go to bed.

“Everything’s in here.” Michael said, throwing open the drawer. Gavin walked over, and rooted around inside, before pulling out a clear back full of dry brown shreds. “Result.” Gavin smiled, rooting around inside for a filter and some papers.

He sat on Ray’s bed and rolled his cigarette expertly, licking the top to stick it.

“Griffon taught me how to roll.” He explained, smoothing the roll-up out and tucking it behind his ear. “Taught me how to dance too.”

“Dance? What kind of dance?” Michael asked. Gavin blushed.

“Don’t tell Geoff, but she taught me how to grind.” He admitted. Michael laughed aloud, and Gavin joined in, cheeks heating up.

“I was sixteen. She was really hot, and she taught me how to fucking grind. But do you know what- I wasn’t even turned on! Not much, anyway. I think that’s what told me I much preferred blokes.”

“I don’t know how to dance. Not really.” Michael admitted. “Not properly. There wasn’t many parties back home. Not that I would’ve been allowed to go anyway.”

“I could teach you.” Gavin offered. Michael straightened, surprised.

“You don’t have to.” He said, a little embarrassed. Gavin smiled, and extended his hand out to Michael.

“Come on.” He said. “It’s just a laugh. What’s a little friendly grinding between boi’s, right?”

Michael felt like there might have been something that wasn’t so friendly with grinding with your ‘boi’, but took Gavin’s hand anyway, letting him lead him to the space between the beds and the doors.

“Rule one, always use one hand.” Gavin said, throwing one hand over Michael’s shoulder. Michael frowned, unsure what to do with his arms.

“Here.” Gavin guided one hand to the small of his back, and then reached behind his ear, taking his fag and placing it in Michael’s hand.

“One hand, always keep it free for your drink or your fag or whatever.”

“Right.” Michael mumbled, as Gavin started swaying to the music. They were close, but not yet touching as Michael slowly joined in, swaying his own hips to the beat.

“Follow my lead. The closer the better.” Gavin instructed, rolling his hips once. As he went forwards, Michael went backwards, and after a few experimental grinds, they found a rhythm together. Gavin had his eyes closed listening to the music as the beat picked up and he danced faster, hips matching the song.

Michael looked at Gavin the whole time, eyes wide and tried to ignore the slightly tingling he felt all over his body. He couldn’t stop thinking about how easy it would be to just kiss Gavin, right now. The two were roughly the same height, Gavin only an inch or two taller, and with his head bowed, nodding to the music, how hard would it be just to-

The song ended and Gavin stepped back, releasing Michael. He took his roll-up out of Michael’s hand, and tucked it back behind his ear.

“You’re a natural.”

Michael blushed. “Uh. Thanks.” He said.

“I’m going now.” Gavin said. He stepped forwards, and kissed Michael on the cheek once. “I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

Michael could do nothing but nod, as his lips suddenly didn't work anymore from being so close to Gavin’s. Gavin slipped out the door without another word, and Michael just stood there, watching the space where Gavin had just been stood.


	5. In My Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael receives a few surprises. Ray takes one step forwards and then two steps back.

A few days later, for the first time, Michael didn't have any homework to do or assignments to complete. Ray said he didn't either, which was probably a lie, and Gavin said he had some stuff he could catch up on later, so the three decided to hang around in the city. Michael had hardly done much sight-seeing whilst he was there, and he wanted to see New York.

“You wanna see the real New York?” Ray laughed as they walked through Times Square. He pointed to the ground. “Rats. And dealers.” He pointed to two guys in an obvious exchange by the side of a building.

“That’s it?” Michael asked. Ray nodded.

“Greatest city in the world.”

Michael just laughed as the three of them headed into a coffee shop that didn't look completely packed out, unlike every other establishment in the square. They waited in line for a long time, and Michael could feel himself getting agitated.

“Fucking Hell! How long does it take for people to order coffee!” he said under his breath. Gavin caught it though, and laughed.

“Michael _Jones!_ So _rude_!” he exclaimed, giggling. Ray rolled his eyes at the laughing pair.

“Retards.”

The woman in front of them turned around at the mention of Michael’s name. She wore a red coat and a large brimmed black hat. She had long red hair and a pale face, with tired, grey-coloured eyes.

“Michael Jones?”

Michael’s heart stopped as she turned.

“Michael? Is that you?” she reached her hand up to his face. Michael felt his hands shaking, his entire body went rigid.

“Mom?” he whispered.

oOo

Gavin and Ray, sensing Michael probably wanted privacy with his mother, took their drinks to go and headed over to an arcade down the road that they said they’d meet Michael in later. He had nodded, speechless, before following the woman he hadn’t seen in years to a table.

“Michael.” She sighed. “I can’t believe it’s you. You look so much… older.”

“Time. Ages people. Apparently.”

He couldn’t help but be blunt with her. From the second he saw her, his emotional barriers raised and locked shut. He’d done so much to try and get her out of his mind, forgetting her piece by piece like his dad had wanted him to.

“Still so angry. You were always such an… aggressive little boy.” She sipped her coffee. “But you were still such a sweetheart…” she trailed off a little, glancing into nothing like she was remembering. “I'll never forget, when your friend… Layla? Lisa?”

“Lindsay.”

“Yes! That’s her. When that boy called her a name or something, and you got into a big fight with him. and I had to come down to your elementary school because you’d broken his nose.”

“Such a sweet kid, I know.” He mumbled. She narrowed her eyes at him.

“You didn't go picking that fight. You defended someone you loved. How is Lindsay?”

He nodded. “She’s good. Haven’t spoken to her much since I started college though.”

“Where are you studying?”

“NYU.”

She raised her eyebrows at this. “I’m surprised your father let you leave the town, let alone the state. Do you like it in New York?”

“It’s nice.”

“Made friends?”

He nodded.

“Been out partying, finishing your assignments in the morning?” she asked, with a slight laugh. Michael nodded again, and she smiled at him. “Sounds like the full college experience.”

“It’s nice. Very… different from home.”

He didn't go into detail past that, and she didn't ask for more. Just smiled at him.

“You’ve grown up so handsome. You look like your father.” She commented. “But you’ve got my curly hair.”

“Your hair is straight.” He pointed out.

“Straighteners exist. I haven’t worn my hair curly since the eighties.”

He laughed at this, and sipped at his coffee again. She did the same and there was an awkward pause before she spoke again.

“How is he?” she asked “…Your dad?”

Michael sighed. “He’s okay. He isn’t… he- he was never the same after you left though. He became… distant.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He dismissed her apology. “I spent years wishing you’d come back, but you never did. I begged him to let me see you, but he… he never let me. I spent a lot of time wondering if it was something I did wrong that made you leave. And then I grew up. And then I got over it.” He deadpanned, lifting his eyes to look into hers. “I barely recognise you anymore.”

She frowned. “Michael. I’m so sorry. Your dad, he-”

“He’s crazy? Yeah, I know that. Thanks.”

“He wasn’t always like that, Michael- you must remember.”

“He was happy when you were there.”

“And that’s my fault?”

“You left!” he shouted. A few people in the shop turned to look at them briefly, before Michael’s murderous glare sent them back to their pastries. Michael’s mother sighed.

“You don’t understand.” She said. “You were too young to understand.”

“So help me understand.” He leant forwards. She sniffed, and wiped under her eye.

“I didn't want to leave you, Michael- I didn't , I swear. Me and your father started arguing because I thought he was sick. He was always so paranoid and- I suggested he see the doctor. And you know what he’s like Michael- so stubborn! He refused. But he just got worse, his behaviour… he was out of control Michael. I told him that I thought he was a danger to the both of us, and that I was going to leave if he didn't get help. He refused...”

“So you left.” Michael finished. She nodded. “But you didn't fucking live up to your word. You _left_ me there.”

“I didn't have a _choice_!”

“What do you mean?”

She swallowed. “I packed my stuff, and some of yours. I walked into your bedroom in the night to wake you up, but he saw me. He… he had a knife- and he walked right up to your bed… and he said- he said if I didn't leave right then, alone, he’d kill you.”

Michael was left speechless. After a few seconds of agonizing silence, he buried his head in his hands.

“I’m so sorry Michael.” She said. He shook his head.

“Please. Please just go.” He didn't look up, but he heard her rummaging in her bag.

“I'll go.” She said. Michael heard the chair scraping and the sound of her heeled shoes as she walked away. Only after a minute did he lift his head, and see a white business card. It had her name and number on it, and scribbled with a pen were the words ‘ _I Love You_.’

Michael tucked it into his pocket and stood up, leaving the café. He pulled his phone out and dialled Gavin’s number.

“Michael? You coming into the arcade now?”

“No Gavin,” Michael’s voice was thick with the tears he had been trying to keep in. “Gav- I’m going back to school.”

“Michael…” Gavin’s voice turned concerned. “Are you alright.”

“Fuck, no.” Michael said quietly. “I’m not alright.”

“Wait there. We’re coming.”

oOo

Michael explained the situation out to Gavin and Ray as the trio walked back into school, and into Michael and Ray’s room. Michael sat on his bed, and Gavin sat beside him resting their heads together. Ray sat opposite, and lit a rolled cigarette.

“Shit dude, I retract my previous statement. Maybe you _are_ a bit fucked up.” He said. Gavin glared at Ray but Michael just smiled.

“Just a little bit.” He admitted.

“Are you gonna call her?” Gavin asked. Michael eyed the card that he was holding in his hands. “I don’t know.” He said, placing it on his bed side. “Maybe. I’ve gotta think about it I think.”

“All you can do it try.” Gavin sighed. He looked to Ray, who was looking on the floor, lost in thought. “Right Ray?” he tried. “Sometimes people make mistakes, but things can be fixed with just a call. Can't they?”

Ray looked up at Gavin and shrugged. “Maybe.”

Gavin sighed. “Ray. If Michael can try and make up with his mental parents- no offence Michael, you can have a go with Ryan.”

“Whatever.” Ray shrugged, crossing his legs and pulling his Nintendo DS out from under his pillow. He plugged his headphones into his DS, and soon the Tetris game soundtrack was playing so loudly Gavin and Michael could hear it.

“Wanna go out tonight?” Gavin asked. Michael shook his head.

“Not really in the mood to get wasted.” He said.

“Alright. But can I take you somewhere tonight?” he asked. “Just me and you?”

“Where?” Michael asked with a frown. Gavin grinned. “It’s my favourite place in the world. You’ll only know if you come.”

Michael smiled. “Alright. Meet me here tonight.”

“I'll be there.”

OoO

True to his word, at ten o’clock Gavin showed up at Michael's door. Michael had already been dressed and waiting for Gavin for around half an hour. Ray had disappeared a while ago, just shrugging and saying he was going out. Michael didn’t even bother asking him where he was going.

“So where we going?” he asked Gavin as they walked out of school together. Gavin grinned.

“It’s a _surprise_ Michael!” Gavin pointed out. “But don’t worry, it’s not too far. Geoff’s driving us.”

Michael remembered Geoff from the first party he had been to with Gavin and Ray. He didn't remember much about him except for his tattoos. He frowned. “Geoff’s coming too?”

“Nah, he’s just giving us a lift. He’s the only other person who knows about this place.” Gavin explained. Michael nodded as they exited the school and walked towards a car.

Gavin slipped into the front seat and Michael took the back. Geoff smiled at him.

“Hey. Michael right?” Michael nodded.

“So, where you off out to tonight, Geoffrey?” Gavin asked, as the car wheezed to life and they set off driving. Geoff shrugged. “Gotta show my face at a few parties out of courtesy, but then I’m just heading back home. Me and Griffon are hanging in tonight.”

“Aw. Geoff, you’ve _matured_ since we first met.” Gavin laughed. Geoff rolled his eyes.

“Shut up. I do need to ask you something though.”

“What is it?”

Geoff paused for a second. “Hypothetically… If I asked Griff to marry me, do you think she’d hypothetically say yes?”

“Geoff!” Gavin squealed. “You're gonna ask her to _marry_ you?!”

“Hypothetically… yes.”

“She’ll absolutely say yes!” Gavin exclaimed. “Ah, it’ll be great! When are you gonna get married?”

“I haven’t asked her yet.” Geoff pointed out. “So calm down. And keep your fucking mouth shut until I do.”

“You’re secrets safe with me Geoff! I won't tell, and neither will Michael! Right Michael?”

Michael smiled. “Yeah. I won't tell anyone.”

“Thanks.” Geoff smirked, before the car fell into a comfortable silence.

“One last thing, before we get there.” Gavin asked. “Can I borrow a couple of fags?”

Geoff raised his eyebrows. “Borrow?”

“Aright. Have.”

Geoff sighed, but tossed Gavin a half-empty box anyway.

“Thanks Geoff!” he said, as the car slowed to a stop.

They pulled up outside what appeared to be a car-park. Michael was confused when Geoff turned off the engine, and Gavin started climbing out of the car.

“Come on Michael!” he called. Michael looked to Geoff, who was just smirking at him. He climbed out of the car, and worried that this was all just a massive set up and Gavin was going to murder him and Geoff was going to hide the body.

But he realised how stupid that was when Gavin's fingers laced with his and Geoff drove away.

“Through here.”

Gavin led him into the car-park. It was empty, and had barriers covering the entrance so cars couldn’t climb through. There was a big poster on one of the barriers that read: ‘ _WARNING: DO NOT ENTER. BUILDING CONDEMMED._ ’

“Uh… Gav? Are you sure this is safe?” he asked, as Gavin hopped over the red barrier.

“Nope! But I’ve been coming here for years, and nothing’s happened yet!” Gavin explained, disappearing as he hopped, or fell, off the barrier. Michael followed him over, and laughed silently at the Brit’s forlorn expression as he rubbed his elbow.

“Moron.” Michael teased. Gavin just smiled and took Michael’s hand back in his.

“This way.”

He ran, and Michael had to as well, to keep up with Gavin, tugging on arm so forcefully he was worried it might pop out of its socket. They ran into a staircase that smelt of piss and weed, and ran up to the top floor. Michael could practically feel Gavin growing even more excited as they ascended to the top floor of the car-park.

When they finally reached the top, it took all of Gavin’s body weight, leaning against the door to let them out. They stepped out into the car-park, and Gavin sighed, smiling.

“This is it.” He said.

It looked like an empty car-park, because it was an empty car-park. Michael was cold, and shivered in his hoodie, but Gavin seemed fine. There were walls surrounding the edge of the roof, but at one, the wall had been knocked out slightly. Gavin walked over and sat, allowing his legs to swing off the edge.

Michael swallowed as he approached the edge of the building. He had never been particularly afraid of heights, but _fuck_ , this was high. This was really, _really_ high.

“Don’t be shy, Michael.” Gavin said, taking a cigarette out of the box Geoff had given him. He patted the empty space next to him, and hesitantly, Michael sat down.

He took a cigarette offered to him by Gavin, and lit it with his own lighter. It was weird, owning a lighter. He had never owned a lighter before. This one had been given to him by Gavin. It was pink, and had white writing on it that said STUD. Michael had laughed when Gavin gave it to him.

“This is my favourite place, in the entire world.” Gavin announced, interrupting Michael’s chain of thought. He raised his eyebrows, and looked down at the ground so far below them.

“Why?” he asked, exhaling smoke.

“Because,” Gavin smiled, and took Michael’s face in his hand. “Look.” he turned Michael’s head forwards and tilted it up slightly. Okay, Michael understood now.

“Fuck.” He sighed. “That’s an amazing view.”

The tall skyscrapers littered the landscape, almost completely blacked out by the night. The lights came from the small windows, and the nightlife down below. The gleam of cars, racing through the streets shone in the reflection of Michael’s glasses. It was beautiful.

Gavin nodded. “I used to always come here, if I was feeling particularly down. And I’d look at the view. And I’d… remember who I was again.”

Michael looked to Gavin. “What do you mean?”

Gavin looked away, and out at the view. “You don’t know me Michael. Not really. I’ve had bad things happen to me. Awful things. And then, I’d forget- and sometimes, I’d forget too much. And I’d come back here, and remember.”

Gavin wasn’t making any sense, but at the same time, he was making too much sense. It made Michael’s head hurt how much it was spinning around the questions Gavin was providing him with. He didn't want Gavin to be sad. He never wanted Gavin to be sad.

“What about now?” Michael asked. “What are you remembering?”

Gavin sniffed. “I’m remembering losing my virginity.” He said.

“In Manchester?” Michael asked. “With that girl who-”

“No.” Gavin shook his head. “A different virginity. I’ve lost all _kinds_ of virginities, Michael.”

Gavin looked to Michael as he continued to speak. “Virginities that you still have. Everyone has virginities, they live with them. But not me,” he shook his head. “I’ve done it all.”

“Do you regret it?” Michael asked. Gavin’s eyes were red, and Michael could see tears swelling in them. He nodded his head.

“Every single one.” His voice was almost a whisper, and a small, choked-up laugh escaped. His hands shook as he held his cigarette to his mouth.

“Well. You say nobody knows about this place, expect for Geoff- right?” Michael says. Gavin nods.

“So you’ve got loads of virginities that exist up here alone. All those things you’ve done, you’ve never done them here- in your favourite place. So when you come here, they don’t even matter.”

Gavin smiled as a tear fell from his eyes. He shifted closer to Michael, and rested their heads together. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right.” He laughed.

“Never had sex. Never been kissed. Never taken drugs… well, not _many_. I’m a total virgin up here.” Gavin laughed. “I need to lose my virginity.”

“I can help you with one of them, I guess.” Michael said. Gavin sat up straight, and looked at him.

“Which one?”

Michael didn't reply with words, just leant forwards, pressing his lips gently against Gavin’s. He felt the Brit push back against him, harder, before reaching forwards and placing his hands on Michael’s shoulders.

The kiss didn't last long, before Gavin pulled away, smiling.

“Thanks Michael.” He said. “For taking my virginity.”

Michael laughed. “Any time.”

oOo

They walked back from the parking lot to school together, instead of asking Geoff for another ride. Gavin knew he had plenty of people he could call and ask, but it was night-time now he would have much rather spend more time alone with Michael.

Their fingers were laced loosely together as they walked, and their joined hands swung slowly between them. Gavin had a soft smile on his face, and Michael smoked a cigarette that he took from Gavin’s pocket. They had to stop, and ask a passer-by for a light, after Gavin had fumbled and dropped his over the roof. They had watched it fall and smash on the ground far below them with a light spark, and the pink plastic shattering everywhere. Gavin had promised to buy him a new one.

Gavin reached behind his ear for the last cigarette the two owned. He stopped walking and placed it between his lips. “Here, monkey-fuck me.”

Michael frowned. “What?” he asked, shocked. Gavin laughed.

“Sorry. Sometimes I forget to translate.” He joked. “Monkey-fuck, light my cigarette with yours.”

“Oh.” Michael sighed with a laugh. He reached to move his cigarette from his lips, but Gavin stopped him, and shook his head.

“No. Look.” Gavin leant forwards, so their foreheads were almost touching, and pressed the end of his unlit cigarette to Michael’s. “Inhale.” He instructed, voice muffled slightly.

Michael did as he was told, and watched Gavin do the same, and the cigarette lit.

“Thanks.” Gavin mumbled. He exhaled and then they continued walking, rounding the corner to the school. Gavin’s hand did not loosen in Michaels, and they both tried to hide their wistful smiles.

They walked through the campus, and towards the rooms. They were quickly approaching Ray and Michael’s room, when Gavin stepped. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

“Do…d’you uh… d’you wanna come to mine? For a bit?” he asked nervously.

“Uh. Sure.” Michael nodded. He allowed Gavin to lead him back around the corridor, and to his own room.

“What about your roommate?” Michael asked. Gavin shook his head.

“Don’t have one.” He shrugged. Michael frowned.

“What? Why?!” he asked.

Gavin smiled. “Just lucky, I guess.”

He turned the key and opened the door, leading Michael into the room. It was a mess, just like Gavin was. Michael decided the room looked like Gavin’s personality.

There were text books everywhere, and cameras and tripods stacked on the shelves. Gavin’s wardrobe was open, and some of his clothes were scattered on the floor. There were a few empty cigarette packets sticking out of the bin and a full ashtray siting on the bedside table. Awkwardly, Michael sat down on Gavin’s bed, and Gavin sat beside him.

“You take Physics?” Michael asked, looking at a few books on Gavin’s desk. Gavin looked and nodded.

“Yeah. I like science and… the type of filming I do- the slow motion stuff, some of it involves like science and stuff. It’s handy to know.” He shrugged. Michael nodded.

“D’you want a drink?” Gavin asked. Michael frowned.

“What, you got a mini fridge in here too?” he asked with a laugh. Gavin smiled.

“Nah.” He laughed, reaching under the bed. “Got this though.” A litre bottle of vodka, half-drank retreated from under the bed with him. He unscrewed the red top, and took a swig, wincing only slightly. Michael wondered how quickly Gavin had gotten use to the taste of vodka.

Gavin offered the bottle to Michael, who took it, and took a small drink. The alcohol burned the back of his throat, and he couldn’t help but screw his face up. Gavin laughed softly, and took another drink. Michael just watched him.

“I don’t know how you drink that stuff like that.” He said.

“You should see Geoff!” Gavin laughed. “He’ll drink it like water!”

Gavin took another big drink, and Michael smiled unsurely. “Easy there dude.”

“What?!”. Another drink.

“Just. You’re drinking a lot in a short amount of time and…” Michael trailed off, unsure how to continue. Gavin laughed, as the drink slowly started to burn through him.

“Shut _up_ Michael.” He slurred. “I'll drink as much as I bloody want!”

Michael sighed, and tried to snatch the bottle back. Gavin giggled and leant back, holding the bottle up. Michael lurched for it, but Gavin leant back further. However, the Brit’s balance wasn’t exactly _great_ when he was _sober_ , and he failed to hold himself, falling back onto the bed, the bottle falling to the floor with a soft thud.

Michael fell on top of him, the two chest-to-chest. Gavin grinned, and opened his mouth to speak. He decided against it, as panting, Michael leant closer to him.

“No more smart ass comments.”

Michael’s lips pressed against Gavin’s firmly. Gavin rolled his body upwards, and rubbed his hips into Michael’s, one hand snaking quickly into his hair.

Michael’s hands were at Gavin's hips, pinning them down to the bed. The two boys shifted up to the end of the bed together, Gavin’s head hitting the pillows.

“Michael.” He whispered, grinning the others name against his lips. Michael breathed in deeply, and rested his head against Gavin's.

“Are… are you sure about this?” he asked. Gavin sat up a little.

“Do you know what you’re doing?” Gavin asked. Michael glanced around anxiously.

“I-I think so.”

Gavin nodded. “I'll help.” He promised. The two locked eyes. “I trust you.”

Proving his trust, Gavin sat up, and pulled his T-shirt off over his head. Michael did the same, and moved his hands lower to Gavin’s jeans. He popped the button and did the zip down slowly. Gavin hissed quietly as Michael’s hand brushed against him. Michael smiled and kissed softly at Gavin’s chest once.

“Not a girl.” Gavin shook his head. “Don’t have tits.”

Gavin wriggled out of his jeans and watched as Michael did the same, both articles of clothing dropping to the floor. Their shoes had been discarded a long time ago, and Gavin pulled his socks off with his own feet.

Sensing Michael was a little unsure, Gavin bucked his hips up and rolled them against Michael’s. Michael reciprocated this, and rested his head against Gavin’s shoulder.

“Fuck. Are you even sober?” Michael asked with a soft moan. Gavin grinned.

“Please, it takes more than a few swigs of vodka to get me really going Michael,” he pointed out, moving his hips at a quicker pace. Michael smiled.

“So… this was all a ruse to get in my pants?” he asked. Gavin didn't reply, just leant his head up to capture Michael’s lips again. The kiss didn't last for long with Michael’s hips thrusting against his faster, and soon Gavin's mouth began to hang open as he moaned aloud.

At this, Michael slowed, and instead rolled his hips harder. The wet spot at the top of Gavin’s tented underwear was growing, and he moaned loudly, resting his head back.

“You're… you’re pretty good at that.” He pointed out. Michael’s hips rolled back slightly to repeat the action, but Gavin stopped him, hands on his hips.

“Keep that up, I’m not gonna last very long. Wait a second.”

He wriggled out from under Michael and walked across the room, to his wardrobe. Michael laid on the bed, and slipped his underwear off, watching as Gavin did the same from where he stood, delving into the back shelves of his wardrobe.

When he turned, he had a small packet of lube and a condom. He wrapped his free hand around his dick and swiped his thumb over the tip. Michael bit his lip nervously as Gavin approached him on the bed.

“Did you want me to- or…”

Gavin shook his head. “You’re not- you’re not ready. Not for this- not yet. I’ve… I’ve done this before. It’ll be a lot better if I… if I…” he trailed off awkwardly, and Michael just nodded cheeks hot. He allowed Gavin to take his hand, and spread some of the cool clear lubricant over his fingers. He sat on Michael’s lap, and Gavin guided Michael’s hand to his entrance.

Michael wasn’t completely clueless, he knew the basics, and softly traced Gavin’s rim with his fingers.  Gavin moaned at the feeling, and rocked his hips softly against Michael’s again.

“You… you don’t have to wait- you can-”

Michael pushed a single finger into Gavin, and the brit hissed at the contrast between the pleasure and the slight pain. Michael crooked his finger in side Gavin, and moved it in and out, before adding the second.

This awkward exchange went on for a while, Gavin walking Michael through almost every step, hips rocking the entire time as he helped Michael search blindly for his prostate. It didn't happen until Michael had worked three finger’s into him, when Gavin's hips shifted at just the right angle and the greatest pleasure he had ever felt rocketed through him. He moaned loudly, and then grinned.

“Perfect. Right there Michael.” He urged, placing one hand down on Michael’s chest to steady himself as he fucked himself back on Michael’s fingers, hitting the right spot over and over.

“A-are you ready?” Michael whispered, sitting up a little. Gavin nodded. Michael slipped his fingers out and reached for his dick, guiding it into Gavin slowly. He let Gavin take control, lowering himself down so he could take all of Michael.

They sat in silence for a second so Gavin could get comfortable, before the brit’s hips started to move. Gavin started off slowly, bouncing just an inch or two as Michael rolled his hips, but soon he couldn’t handle the slow pace anymore and it was clear that Michael wasn’t going to last very long by the explosive expression on his face and the way his fingertips were bruising into Gavin’s hips.

Gavin rolled his hips quicker, encouraging Michel to thrust up into him. He was taken by surprise, as with a pleasured shout, Michael shifted the two, flipping Gavin around so he was on top. He thrusted into Gavin quickly, but it wasn’t _rough_. Gavin could see, that through everything, Michael was still trying to take _care_ of him.

It made him feel different. This wasn’t how sex usually went for him.

Michael’s hands weren’t clutching to his hips anymore, they were up by his face, caressing it gently as Michael moaned into his mouth, desperately trying to kiss him but not quite able to.

Gavin eventually came with a shout as Michael tugged him once, almost exactly at the same time Michael yelled and released into him.

It was only awkward for a second, before Michael collapsed on top of him, kissing Gavin deeply.

“Fucking hell Michael.” Gavin panted as Michael rolled off of him. Gavin only slept in a single bed, so Michael was pressed against his side, nose brushing his cheek and hot, tired breaths hitting his neck. “That was really… really.”

“Good?” Michael asked hopefully.

“More like fucking excellent. Fucking hell.”

Michael laughed, and Gavin joined in, laying one hand on his chest, scratching at the hairs. Michael rolled the condom off himself and tossed it across the room. Gavin winced as it made a wet slapping sound against the bin, and Michael laughed.

“You sure that was your first?” Gavin asked.

“With a guy? Yes.” Michael nodded. “I thought that was clear by the way you had to walk me through everything. It was a little embarrassing to start with… I thought- you thought that I was a fucking idiot.” He panted “But no- I… it looked like a lot of work for you, on top and everything so… I thought I’d give _you_ something.” He reached up to stroke Gavin’s face lightly. “I wanted to make it good for you.”

Gavin gave him a watery smile. “Thanks. Nobody’s ever… thought of me like that before…”

“You deserve it.” Michael whispered against Gavin’s neck. He leant up to kiss Gavin on the cheek lightly. “You deserve everything.”

Gavin fell asleep with the fault of another virginity ticked off his list.

“Sex with someone who _matters”_

_oOo_

Across the halls, Ray laid back on his bed, lit joint between his fingers. He was laying back, hardly high- but still simply staring up at the ceiling. He felt an aching in his chest that he couldn’t describe nor explain, and he hadn’t been out since… well.

His phone rang, startling him at the thought of Ryan’s deep voice being on the other end. He scrambled to reach for it at the other end of the phone, and looked at the caller.

JOEL

Ray sighed, but picked up the phone anyway.

“Joel.”

“Ray! Wher’ve you been dude, you weren’t at Macey’s? or Dustin’s! I briefly saw Gavin at some dude named Brett’s party little while ago, off his fucking face as usual- but you weren’t there either. Not like you two to go out without each other!”

Ray sighed and shrugged, even though Joel couldn’t see him. “Didn't feel like it,” was his half-assed excuse.

“Well, still- missed you.”

Ray couldn’t help but smile. “You did?” he asked. Joel laughed.

“Yeah. I haven’t had half-decent sex in a week.” He said. Ray visibly wilted. Right- Joel wasn’t into him like _that._ It was just a sex thing. It had always just been a sex thing. “Except for this one girl,” Joel was rambling. “She was _incredible_. Just really… _eager_ , you know? Well, why am I even asking, you mainly fuck guys these days, right?”

“Only guys.” Ray didn't say. “Only you and Ryan.”

“So anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to… hang out.” Joel asked. Ray sat down on his bed.

“If by hang out you mean sex, then the answer is no, Joel.”

“What- why?”

“Because I’m not just a fucking booty call.” Ray snapped. “I’m not just gonna be there every time you want to get off, alright? I have fucking feelings.”

“Ray… are you trying to say that- you like me?” Joel asked. ray sighed frustrated.

“No!... I don’t know, maybe. But then I also think I really fucking love Ryan and all you do is fuck things up for us!”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying.” Ray stumped out is joint and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m saying I can’t anymore, okay Joel? Me and you… I just can't. I have to sort things out with Ryan. He’s… he’s important to me.”

“Okay.” Joel replied. He sounded sadder than Ray expected. “We had a good run though, right?”

Ray smiled sadly. “Yeah… yeah we did. We had good times.”

“And we’ll still be friends?”

“Course we will.”

“Good.” Joel nodded. “I’m uh… I’m gonna go now. But there’s a party in  few days that’s apparently going to be really cool- everyone’ll be there… so uh, I might see you there, yeah?”

Ray nodded in the empty room. “Sure, maybe. Bye Joel.”

“Bye Ray.”

The phone let out a beep as it ended, and Ray felt oddly sad as he let it rest on his bed. Joel was… a big thing for him, in his life. A constant. He’d always been there, lurking in the background. And even past the sex thing, Joel was always a good guy. Always a friend.

Ray mulled this over, lying flat on his back. For the first time, he realised how lonely he felt in the empty room. Michael and Gavin had left hours ago, and fuck knows where they were now. Ray was alone.

And he suddenly realized how _awful_ it felt.

He reached for his phone again, and flicked through his many contacts, finding Ryan’s number. It was saved with a little heart, that made him cringe, but also smile.

He pressed call, and placed the phone to his ear.

It only rang twice, before Ryan answered.

“Ray! I-I was hoping you’d call me.”

Ray said nothing, just lied back, listening to Ryan’s voice. It sounded so _safe_ and familiar. They hadn’t spoken since the fight, and at first, it had been Ryan ignoring him. But over the past few days, that had turned, and Ray had received more than just a few calls from Ryan, which he had ignored.

“Ray, are you there?”

Ray said nothing.

“I can hear you breathing, you know.”

Still Ray didn't make a noise.

“I-If you’re listening… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve- I… I can’t do this over the phone, especially if you're not going to speak. Please… meet me at my place. Right now, tomorrow night- I don’t care. Just… come over sometime, please? I want things to be okay between us.”

The phone hung up, and Ray let it slide from his ear. He had wanted to say something, _anything_ but his brain just wasn’t working.

It was going to be a lonely night, he thought, looking out at Michael’s empty bed.


	6. Making Up and Making Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Short Chapter, I know, I'm sorry. Good news, I've almost finished writing the last chapter though, which is good! Story will be 9/10 chapters long.)
> 
> Gavin and Michael (and Geoff) help Ray out. Cute Geoff/Griffon at the end.

The morning came with the faint buzzing of Gavin’s alarm clock. Michael was only awoken by the Brit accidentally smacking him in the face as he reached over to turn it off. He apologised profusely of course, but Michael just laughed it off.

  
After the two eventually stopped giggling, they sat up, and stared at each other for a bit. Awkwardly, Michael’s hand raised and touched Gavin’s cheek.

  
“Is this weird?” he asked, unsure of himself. “I feel like this is weird.”

  
Gavin smiled softly. “It’s a little weird, love. But I kind of like it.”

  
They sat like that for another few seconds, before gently, Michael leant forwards, and kissed Gavin on the lips. He drew back, and dropped his hand.

  
“Sorry. That part was weird, wasn’t it?”

  
Gavin shook his head, biting his lip. “No… it wasn’t – it was nice. I liked it.” He admitted, shrugging. He nudged Michael with his shoulder. “I like you Michael, believe it or not.”

  
Michael’s face lit up into a smile, and his dimples showed. “Really?” he asked. Gavin nodded.

“Yeah. So don’t take this the wrong way when I say can you please get out of my bed.”  
Michael frowned. “What-why?” he asked.

  
“Because,” Gavin laughed. “This sheets have cum on them, and we both reek. Oh, and we have class to get to!”

  
oOo

  
After another day of Ray showing up to no classes, Michael and Gavin skipped their free-time out on the green and headed to Michael and Ray’s shared dorm, in search of the Puerto Rican. They approached the door, and Gavin sniffed the air.

  
“What are you doing?” Michael asked.

  
“Can’t smell weed.” Gavin explained. “Either a really good, or really bad sign. Now open the door!”

  
Michael unlocked the door, and they walked in, finding Ray, sitting cross legged on the bed with his eyes glued to his Nintendo DS. His eyes flicked up briefly to the two as they walked in.

  
“Oh, so you guys are still alive then?” he asked.

  
“Yeah.” Gavin said, sitting on Michael’s bed, opposite Ray.“We’re just kinda… worried about you, mate.”

Ray shrugged. “I’m fine.”

  
“No you're not.” Michael said, sitting beside Gavin. “You’ve been holed up in here for over a week. We can't just… ignore it anymore.”  
Ray sighed, and snapped his DS shut. “He…I called it off with Joel last night.” He said. Gavin sat forwards.

  
“What? Why?” he asked.

  
“I want Ryan.” Ray admitted sadly. “And not like… not like we already are. Like… properly. Like where he doesn’t fuck other people and I don’t get him mad by getting off with Joel and he doesn’t kick me out of his fucking apartment making me feel cheap and fucking worthless and where, Geoff doesn’t have to come and pick me up and call me broken and where I don’t call him and then panic and not fucking say anything.”

  
It all came out in a fast rush, like air from a pressurized container. Ray looked back up to Gavin and Michael when he was finished, and unclenched his fists. There were tears in his eyes.

  
“Oh Ray.” Gavin sighed, getting up and sitting beside him, throwing an arm over him. Ray gave in and rested his head against Gavin's shoulder.

  
“I fucking love him.” he said, voice thick with tears. “I fucking love him, Gavin.”

  
“You need to fix it.” Michael spoke. Ray looked up to him.

  
“What the fuck do you know?” he asked. Michael blushed.

  
“Uh… not much, revolving around relationships. I’ve only had one…” he looked up to Gavin. “Maybe two. But I know that if you really like someone… they have to know.”

  
Gavin smiled at him. “Two.” He nodded. Ray looked between the two and frowned.

  
“Are you guys actually hooking up in the middle of my breakdown?” he asked. Michael blushed harder and Gavin giggled. “Assholes.”

  
“Sorry X-Ray. Me and Michael fucked.”

  
Michael sent a shocked look to Gavin, who just shrugged. Ray rolled his eyes.

  
“Yeah, like that wasn’t obvious.” He turned to Gavin. “How was it?”

  
“Good.”

  
“Guys! Right here!”

  
“Skilled?”

  
“Some natural talent there… but a little unpractised, I'll admit!”

  
“Guys!”

  
“Sorry.” Gavin laughed. “But at least it cheered Ray up a little.”  
Michael sighed. “I need a cigarette.”

  
Ignoring Michael rifling through the drawers for cigarettes, Gavin hugged Ray tightly. “We’ll sort it with Ryan.” He promised.

  
“He wants me to come over.” Ray said, leaning forwards and shooing Michael away from his drawer, before pulling out a packet of tobacco along with some rolling papers and filters.

“You really need to learn how to do this dude.” He glanced at Michael, before he began rolling the cigarette. He nodded to his hands. “Watch.” He instructed.

  
“He wants you to come over?” Gavin asked, as Ray began to work.

  
“Yep.” Ray nodded. “He said… on the phone. Just to show up. He’ll be there.”

  
“Well, we’ll go then! Geoff’ll drive us- it’ll be easy. Then everyone can get back to getting laid on the regular!”

  
Ray finished the rolled cigarette, smoothing it out before handing it to Michael. “Maybe.” He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  
“Come on Ray!” Gavin whined, taking the roll-up from Michael once it was offered. He took a quick drag, and handed it back.

“It’ll work! I promise.”

  
Smoke filled the room. “Alright.” Ray sighed. “No harm in trying, right?”

  
oOo

  
“Good luck.” Geoff mumbled, pulling up outside Ryan’s building. With a last glance to Gavin and Michael in the backseat, Ray climbed out. He thanked Geoff, by handing him a small packet of weed.

  
“For the ride.” He smiled. Geoff grinned.

  
“There was a reason you were my favourite.” He mumbled. “One call, and I'll be back here. I don’t care what time it is, okay?”

  
Ray nodded. “Thanks Geoff.”

  
“Bye Ray!” Gavin called, and Michael waved as they pulled out, driving off back into the city. Ray swallowed nervously, and pulled his phone out, walking into the building.

  
To: Ryan  
I’m here.  
-

  
His phone beeped almost a second later.

  
From: Ryan  
I'll wait for you by the lift doors.  
-

  
Ray made his way through the building, ignoring the usual myriad of disapproving looks as he made his way to the lift. He even slipped the lift concierge a five dollar bill after he asked for the penthouse. Granted, five dollars was pennies to someone in a place this fancy, but it felt better than the nothing Ray usually gave.

  
In reality, that was Ray’s last five dollars, as he hadn’t sold any dope in fucking weeks.

  
The lift dinged and the doors opened, Ryan standing in front of them, as promised. He nodded at the concierge as Ray stepped out the elevator, before the doors closed.

  
There was an awkward tension in the room, before Ryan pulled a joint out of his pocket.

  
“Peace offering?”

  
Ray said nothing, but accepted it, walking through the vast room to Ryan’s balcony, lighting the joint between his lips. He inhaled once, before passing it back to Ryan.

  
“I’ve called it off with Joel.” He said. Ryan nodded. “You’ve gotta do the same.”

  
Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Who would I call?” he asked.

  
“Whoever you’re fucking on the regular that isn’t me, I’d start with all those, thanks.” Ray replied bitterly. Ryan still looked confused.

  
“Ray… who do you think I am?” he asked. This was Ray’s turn to be confused.

  
“I don’t… I don’t have regular fucking partners who I call up for sex… I-I’m not saying I don’t… indulge in others, but it’s only ever one night. I can’t… I hate seeing people regularly. Socially… I’m not good at girls- or guys, I… I never keep people around.”

  
“So what am I?” Ray asked. “Some kind of fucking experiment?”

  
“No!”

  
“Then what?!”

  
“You’re just different!”

  
“How!” Ray demanded. “How am I fucking different than any other two-bit whore or fucking twink that you have, strolling through this apartment Ryan? How the fuck am I different?!”

  
“Because I fucking love you!” Ryan shouted. Ray’s heart skipped and he froze.

  
“I’m sorry.” Ryan sighed. “I shouldn’t have shouted.”

  
“You fucking love me?”

  
“Of course I do.” Ryan laughed, like it was obvious. “Ray- I never keep people around. Except for you. I’ve been chasing your tail since you were fifteen for fucks sake, of course I fucking love you.”

  
Ray smiled. “Seriously?” he asked. Ryan rested his head in his arms which were rested on the balcony.

  
“Yes.” He mumbled. “I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry I got mad and I’m sorry I kicked you out and I’m sorry I-”

  
“Don’t.” Ray cut him off. “Don’t say you’re sorry. Not for that.”  
Ryan straightened, and looked at Ray. “I… you-”

  
“Love you? Yeah, I do.” Ray shrugged. He took another drag of his joint. “No big deal, right?”

  
Ryan pulled him close. The joint fell out of his hand and rolled to the floor, but neither of them acknowledged it.

“So can we go back to how we were?” Ryan whispered. Ray shook his head.

  
“No. We’ll be… we’ll do it right this time. We’ll be better than we were before. There won't be anyone left to fuck it up.

  
oOo

  
From: Narvaez  
Geoff! Putting your mind at rest… things went pretty well. If you know what I mean. I have to go. Enjoy your weed.  
Ray xxx  
-  
Geoff leant back against the headboard of his bed, and exhaled smoke, before passing the joint back to Griffon.

  
“Went well?” she asked. He nodded as she exhaled smoke through her nose.

  
“Apparently. I can only assume they're now having sex.”

  
A faint sigh was heard through the wall.

  
“And I assume Gavin and Michael are doing the same.” Geoff rolled his eyes. Griffon laughed.

  
“Well. We don’t want to be left out, do we?” she asked.

  
Geoff grinned. “You’re going to be the best wife ever.” He laughed, taking his final puff of the joint before stumping it out in the ashtray next to him. Griffon smiled, and looked at the ring on her finger.

  
“I'll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Shamelessly self-promotes* please read my other stuff? I work really hard on it. I do a lot of Mavin/Raywood and some Joelay. Kudos & Comments make me all smiley :)
> 
> Thanks!


	7. Back At It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray, Gavin and Michael head back out together for the first time in a long time. Not all goes to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! Been busy with holiday stuff -_-

Michael and Gavin were woken up by the door to Michael and Ray’s dorm being dramatically swung open three days later. With squinting, tired eyes, they both looked from Michael’s bed to the door, where Ray stood.

He had left the dorm with a worried expression and a generally cold demeanour but had returned grinning, with several mammoth hickeys, a large bag of weed, and a generally happier demeanour. He walked into the room, and delved into his bag, casually tossing a small zip-lock bag of coke at Gavin and a box of cigarettes at Michael.

“To say thanks.” Was the only explanation he offered to the two, sitting down on his bed.

Gavin grinned, and scrambled out of Michael’s bed, only in his boxers to hug Ray tightly.

“X-Ray!” he squealed. “We’ve missed you!”

Ray grinned, half-heartedly trying to push Gavin away as he kissed Ray loudly on the cheek, and squeezed him tightly. He laughed, as Michael sat opposite, just smiling and shaking his head.

When Gavin finally ceased his assault and reached over to grab his coke, weighing the small packet in his hand, Michael shot a warm smile at Ray.

“He’s right. It was kinda weird here without you.” he admitted, breaking the seal on the cigarette packet and pulling one out.

“Yeah, well- I got a call from the dean saying if I didn't get my ass back into class I was gonna get kicked out, so.” He shrugged. “I’m here.”

“How’s Ry?” Gavin asked. Ray nodded.

“He’s good. We’re good now, me and him. Working on… not fucking other people, basically.”

Gavin grinned. “Aw! Look at you Ray, being all mature and in a _relationship.”_

“Hey!” Ray protested. “You’re in one too- asshole.”

Gavin glanced at Michael, who smiled at him, now sat up, back rested against the cool wall.

“I know.” He exclaimed. “Weird isn’t it? Who would’ve thought, _us_ in relationships?!”

He stood up, and stretched. “Now,” he said, yawning. “I’ve got to go and get showered and stuff. I'll see you lot later.” He leant forwards, kissing Michael firmly on the lips, and left the room.

Ray looked to Michael, and then to the door which shut behind Gavin. He reached over, and took a cigarette from the packet he had given Michael.

“How is he?” he asked, lighting it. “Gavin.”

Michael smiled. “He’s good. We’re… good. Haven’t left the premises since you went, just going to class and then hanging out here, pretty much. Just… getting used to each other.”

Ray nodded, but he didn’t smile. “Be careful.” He warned. Michael frowned.

“What do you mean?”

Ray grimaced, and flicked ash into the ashtray between them.

“Gavin… he’s never _had_ a relationship before. And he’s had shit happen to him…shit he doesn’t speak about. You’ve gotta be careful with him.”

“I know.” Michael nodded. “I know he’s… even if I don’t know the details, I know he’s had a rough time. But I really… I really care for him. I want to be there for him… if he ever wants to talk about it.”

Ray shook his head. “He won't. He never does.”

Michael leant forwards. “Do you know what happened?” he asked. Ray looked up from the bed to Michael’s kind, brown eyes. He nodded silently.

“How bad?” Michael asked. His question surprised Ray, and it took him a second too long to answer. He leant back, and hit his head softly against the wall.

“Bad.” He said, taking a drag. “Really fucking bad.”

Michael didn't ask anything past that, and the two sat, in silence, for the rest of the morning.

oOo

Michael returned from his lecture, which ran on later than usual, to find Ray and Gavin already dressed, in his room. Gavin had on a pair of grey skinny jeans with a black and white t-shirt. He also wore the bandana he had on the first night they took Michael out, and his old off-white converse.

Ray had cargo shorts on (as usual) with his checkered vans and a red T-shirt. He was arranging his bag when Michael walked in. He didn't look up, but Gavin did, smiling.

“Good, we were wondering how bloody long you were going to take!” he said. Michael didn't say anything, just walked in and kissed Gavin lightly on the lips.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“Party.” Ray explained. “Everyone’s gonna be there… I’ve got weed and… other stuff. We’ve gotta get some fucking money together.”

“So we’re gonna sell.” Gavin finished, counting cigarettes in his packet. “And you’re coming too, obviously!”

“Right.” Michael nodded, pulling off his comfy grey hoodie and rooting in his wardrobe for a nicer jacket. He pulled out a black one and slipped it on, before rooting around in his drawers.

“What are you looking for?” Gavin asked, sitting down on the desk. Michael pulled out a white packet.

“Picked these up a couple days ago.” He explained, slipping the packet of contact lenses out of the box. “Thought I’d give them a go.”

Gavin watched and squealed and gagged as Michael put them in, causing him to roll his eyes.

“Gavin, I swear to God if you don’t shut up-” he didn't finish his sentence, just breathed calmly, and continued to aim the lens at his eye. He already had one in, and this could all be over if Gavin didn't stop distracting him.

Ray looked over at the two and grinned to himself.

“Hurry the fuck up. Ryan’s driving us and he’ll be pissed if we leave him waiting too long.”

OoO

They didn't emerge from the dorm for another good twenty minutes, due to Gavin’s squealing and Michael’s growing annoyance and Gavin’s high-pitched laughter as Michael tried to throttle him. Ray just ignored the two, and made sure he was fully stocked for the night. This was the first big party he’d been to in a while.

He slipped into the front seat of Ryan’s car, walking ten paces or so in front of Michael and Gavin, who’s flirting was already becoming nauseating. He wasn’t _annoyed_ , persae, just a little irritated, which Ryan caught onto immediately.

“You alright?” he asked, narrowing his eyebrows as Ray sat in the car. Ray just sighed and nodded.

“Just Gavin and Michael being… Gavin and Michael.” He explained, rolling his eyes. Ryan nodded.

“Well, if I know Gavin- I know he can be pretty fucking irritating.” Ryan mumbled, just as Gavin and Michael climbed in the car behind him.

“Hm?” Gavin asked, not catching Ryan’s words. Ryan smiled to himself, and shared a pleased glance with Ray, who silently laughed.

“Nothing.”

Gavin accepted it at that, and didn't ask anymore questions, thankfully, leaving them with a quiet, peaceful drive over to the party. Gavin and Michael talked quietly in the backseat, Ryan focused on the road, and Ray focused on Ryan.

“How are you getting back?” he asked.

“Driving.” Ryan replied.

“No partaking in suspicious substances then?” Ray asked curiously, Ryan wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Nah.” He said, looking over to Ray. “Gotta look after you when you end up off your fucking head on coke, right?”

Ray just smiled, and leant back in his chair. “I wish.” He snorted. “I’ve got shit to sell. I mean, I'll do a few lines and smoke a little weed, but I’m not getting _wasted_. I’ve got a living to earn.”

“Ever thought of getting a real job like the rest of the world?” Ryan asked. Ray laughed.

“What, like yours?” Ray laughed. “You’re just a slightly higher class dealer. We’re the same.”

Ryan shrugged. “Different. But the same.”

Ray smiled. “That’s us all over, right?”

Ryan nodded, and laughed to himself.

OOo

They pulled up outside the party when it was clearly already in swing, made obvious by the cars littering the street and the lights coming from one of the houses. Ryan parked a little ways away, worrying about his Mercedes getting scratched by drunk teenagers. Ray rolled his eyes, and called him a preppy little bitch. Ryan just laughed, and slung an arm over Ray’s bony shoulders.

Gavin and Michael walked in front, Gavin excitedly pulling Michael along by the hand, bouncing on his toes with every step.

“Fucking calm down.” Michael laughed, trying to pull Gavin back a little. Gavin just continued skipping down the street.

“I’m _excited_ Michael!” he said. “I haven’t been to a good par ty in _ages_!”

“Weren't you at that Brett guy’s party?” Ray asked from behind them. Gavin stopped and turned around.

“Where’d you hear that?” he asked. ray shrugged.

“Joel.”

Ray didn't miss the way Ryan tensed at the mention of Joel’s name. He did, however ignore it, and continued walking down the street. Gavin frowned.

“I don’t remember seeing Joel there.” Gavin shrugged, as they approached the house. Michael rang the bell, and a girl answered. Her eyes lit up as she saw Gavin.

“Gavin!” she exclaimed. “I’m so glad you made it.”

Michael didn't miss the girls flirtatious gaze, but he also didn't miss the way Gavin’s grip on his hand didn't loosen. Gavin just smiled widely at her.

“Hey… uh, Britney right?”

The girl frowned. “My names fucking Rebecca, you dick!”

She turned and stormed off, but left the door open. Ray laughed and Gavin rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“Oops.” He shrugged, before walking in.

Ray kissed Ryan goodbye before setting up in his corner, making it clear he was selling to everyone around. Gavin dragged Michael with him into the kitchen, looking for booze.

Geoff and Griffon were in there, along with a few other friends of Gavin's. He greeted them with tight hugs, and politely introduced Michael to each one of them. Michael shook hands with Blaine, a muscly dude who looked like he had just stepped out of an American high school movie. He met a smaller guy named Chris who had a dopey smile, and he met an excitable looking guy named Miles, who had his arm around a girl with dark hair who was named Arryn. They all seemed like nice people, so Michael didn't mind when Gavin left him with a kiss, saying he needed to catch up with a few old friends.

“That boy.” Geoff said, watching Gavin dash out of the kitchen, drink in hand. Geoff looked to Michael. “I hope you’re taking care of him.”

Michael blushed. “It’s uh… early days, but yeah- I- he really means a lot to me.”

Griffon smiled. “Good. Because he’s been through hard times, alright? Don’t mess with him, or you’ll have us to deal with.”

Somehow, he was more scared of the threatening gleam in Griffon’s friendly eyes than the intimidating look of Geoff’s tattoos. He swallowed thickly and nodded, before taking a swig of his beer.

oOo

Ray traded drugs for money, like any other night. It felt good, to be back doing something he (oddly) enjoyed, that had pretty good benefits that felt like a fat wad of money sitting in his bag, which was kept strapped to him at all times. He had just sold a girl a packet of coke when a familiar face stepped up to him.

“Joel.” He sighed. Joel’s eyes were wide and blood shot. He had a crooked smile on his face and a beer in his hand.

“Uh, hey. Ray.” He slurred. Ray winced at the smell of alcohol and oddly, blood, on Joel’s breath.

“You alright dude?” Ray asked. Joel shook his head.

“I miss you.” he sighed. He reached out to touch Ray’s face, and Ray let him, hanging his head into the touch a little. Joel’s hand went into his hair, and he sighed. “I miss you a lot.” He slurred.

“I know.” Ray said. “I miss you too,” he leant away from Ray’s touch. “But I’m with Ryan now, okay? I can't risk you fucking this up for me.”

“I know, I know.” Joel nodded. “I just wanted you… I wanted you to know that you were never just a booty call, alright? Not to me.”

He didn't give Ray time to reply before he turned around and walked away, leaving an unsettling feeling in Ray’s stomach. He zipped up his bag, deciding that he had enough to feed his habits for a little while, and started to sprinkle his own coke on the table, drawing it into neat lines with a credit card, as Gain approached.

“Want some?” he asked. Gavin nodded pulling a dollar bill out of his back pocket. He rolled it tightly, and smiled sadly at Ray.

“I saw you with Joel.” He said, before bending down and doing a clean line. He sniffed as he straightened, rubbing his nose and trying to ignore the burning sensation he felt. “You alright?”

“Yeah.” Ray nodded, leaning and taking his own line. “I… I just had to end it, you know? I did the right thing, didn't I?”

Gavin shrugged. “I always liked Joel, to be honest. And Ryan is a little bit mental.” He stopped speaking and began to rub the coke that lingered on his fingers into his gums.

Ray shook his head. “He isn’t. He isn’t crazy… just- he’s just misunderstood.” He did another line. “He doesn’t mean to come across that way.”

Gavin shrugged again, and took a drink. “I like Ryan. I like Joel. It’s whatever makes you happy.” He said, before downing the rest of his glass, and left, heading off into the crowd.

Ray lit up a joint and Ryan approached him a minute later, taking the joint from his lips and kissing him tenderly. For a moment, Ray caught Joel watching out of the corner of his eye. He shut his eyes tightly, and snaked his arms up around Ryan’s neck. He needed to stop thinking of Joel.

He lost himself in Ryan’s assault of his mouth, tasting nothing but cigarettes and diet coke. Ryan released him with a smile, and took a small drag of the joint.

“Hey, driving!” Ray reminded him, snatching it back. Ryan nodded, and exhaled smoke through his nose.

“Yeah, I know. It was just a little one.” Ryan said, nodding. “Wanna head outside? Burnie and Gus are arguing over new IPhone designs. It’s pretty entertaining, considering they’re both absolutely _smashed_.”

Ray nodded, and allowed Ryan to lead him outside. He didn't look back at Joel, instead, being thankful for the distraction.

oOo

The party had been going on for hours. It was one AM, and Michael had eventually become a little bored of talking to Gavin’s friends. He didn't know them well enough to keep conversation going for that long, and although they were all really good people, it was too easy to fade into the background of the conversations.

Eventually, he turned to Geoff. “I’m going to find Gavin.” He said. Geoff nodded, but he was also very drunk and possibly high, Michael wasn’t too sure what he had been smoking.

Michael himself had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth as he walked out into the living room. He spotted Ray instantly, making out with Ryan in the corner, looking like he was high out of his mind by the sudden excitement he was displaying, pushing Ryan up against the wall and tiptoeing to reach his lips. Michael just smiled to himself.

He scanned the walls for Gavin, but couldn’t see him anywhere. That left the huge group of people dancing in the middle. But there were several lanky kids with bandanas and converse, and finding their rhythm on the dance floor.

And then Michael spotted him.

Gavin was pressed close, _too close_ about some guy that Michael had never seen before.  They were dancing to the music, Gavin’s back pressed against the guys front, but he had his head turned so their faces were so close they were practically sharing breath. Gavin had one hand up in the guy’s hair, and the guy had his hands on Gavin’s hips tightly. They looked so in _sync,_ and Michael couldn’t help but feel jealousy. Gavin had danced with him like that, swayed with him to the beat of the music, both their eyes closed and encased in the music together. Michael felt his fists clench, and the anger he had kept to himself, the anger he’d been managing well for the whole of his college life so far rose and he felt it slowly begin to over flow.

He marched over to Gavin, and shoved him lightly on the shoulder.

“Hey, buddy what’s your fucking problem?” the guy shouted, stumbling backwards a little. Gavin didn't look shocked or surprised to see Michael, which made him even angrier. Gavin just looked fucking wasted.

“Michael.” He said, smiling. He leant forwards to wrap his arms around Michael, smiling. Michael pushed him back, and Gavin frowned. “Michael?”

“What the fuck?” The guy demanded. Michael just glared at him.

“This is my fucking boyfriend. Now fuck off.” Michael demanded. The guy just rolled his eyes, and turned back into the crowd. It didn't find him long before he found another dance partner, not even looking back as Michael angrily grabbed Gavin by the wrist and storming out of the house, into the front garden.

“What the fuck?!” he demanded as soon as they were outside. Gavin swayed a little where he was standing.

“Michael. I feel like you’re angry with me…” He slurred.

“Damn right I am!” Michael shouted. “What the fuck did you think you were doing in there?”

“What?” Gavin asked.

“With that guy!”

“Michael.” Gavin laughed. “We were dancing, duh!”

“ _I’m_ your fucking boyfriend!” he said, pointing to himself. “Why the fuck were you dancing with another guy?!”

Gavin frowned. “What? I like to dance.” He said. He laughed slightly, but looked like he was growing agitated. “Why the bloody hell are you so annoyed?”

“Because _you_ acting like the fucking biggest whore in there, dancing with some random guy?!” Michael yelled. “Did you even know his fucking name?!” he demanded.

Gavin stopped moving, and stood still. He narrowed his bloodshot eyes.

“What the fuck did you call me?” he asked, his voice so low it was almost a whisper. Michael frowned.

“A fucking _whore.”_

Gavin looked suddenly like he was about to cry, and as he went to speak but his mouth closed, and his throat dried. His eyes swelled with tears.

Michael stepped forwards, to touch Gavin. He wasn’t sure what he was attempting to do, but he could already feel the apology bubbling up inside of him, but Gavin stepped back.

A moment passed between them, before Gavin turned, and took off in a sprint.

OOo

After making out with Ryan had stopped becoming satisfying and was actually beginning to get him worked up, Ray knew they needed to leave. He had a king sized bed with Egyptian cotton sheets to be fucked into, and the party was beginning to die out anyway.

“Come on. Let’s go.” He whispered into Ryan’s ear. Ryan nodded, and took him by the hand, guiding him out of the house. He didn't even think of Michael or Gavin, knowing that they were probably banging somewhere and would be able to get home okay.

He and Ryan briefly said their goodbyes to the friends they still had in the house, before stepping out into the front garden. Ray was ready to leave, but Ryan stopped him.

“What?” he asked. Ryan pointed to the grass of the front garden.

“Look.”

Ray turned his head to see Michael, sprawled on the grass, lying flat on his back. Ray ran over to him, and crouched down beside him.

“Hey, buddy,” he slapped Michael’s face, waking him up. He heled Michael sit up a bit, and looked confusedly at his tear-streamed face. “Michael. What’s going on.”

“Gavin.” Michael sobbed. “He-I… He’s gone.”

“Gone?” Ray asked. He looked up worriedly to Ryan, and an unsettling chill hung in the hair. “Gone where?”

Michael shook his head. “I-I said something to him… he ran off.”

“What did you say?” Ryan asked, lifting Michael up to his feet. He let Michael’s arm rest over his shoulder, so he could stand okay.

“I called him a whore.”

Ray sighed. “You fucking bastard.” He looked to Ryan. “We’ve gotta find him… we’ve gotta find him now.”

oOo

“Come on Michael.” Ray pleaded, as they drove through the streets. “Where would he go?”

Michael sat forwards, head in his hands as he tried to think. Ryan and Ray were glancing out on the roads, looking to see if the Brit was roaming the streets.  Michael abruptly sat up, and Ray turned.

“What, what is it?” he asked.

“His favourite place.” Michael breathed. “He’ll go there. Take a left!”

They drove for what could have been ten minutes but felt like an hour. Everything just seemed to slow down as worry set into the passengers in the car. maybe Michael didn't understand fully, but Ray did. Ray knew Gavin, he knew him better than anyone ever had, and probably ever could. He knew Gavin was fragile.

Ray worried how far Gavin could push himself.

They pulled up outside the disused parking lot, and Ray frowned, climbing out the car.

“What the fuck is this place?” he asked. Michael ran towards the barrier.

“Gavin’s favourite place.” He explained. “Wait here. I’m going for him.”

“No fucking way.” Ray stepped forwards. “You got him into this mess- you’ve done enough. Let me speak to him.”

“Guys, calm down.” Ryan said. His touch was gentle but firm on Ray’s shoulder. “Calm down.” He repeated.

“I’m his best fucking friend.” Ray said, between gritted teeth. “He’s more important to me than you could _ever_ understand.”

“I _love him.”_ Michael shouted. “Please Ray, I fucking _love_ him. And I’m _scared_. Because I don’t know nearly enough about him, even though he knows _everything_ about me. Because you all keep secrets and assume I don’t think about it every fucking day. I fucking _need him_. More than _you_ could ever know.”

Michael didn't wait for a reply, just turned and jumped the barrier. Ray walked forwards to follow him, but Ryan pulled him back.

“Ry, I need to go-”

“Let Michael go.” Ryan said. “He needs this. He needs this more than you do.”

OoO

Michael ascended the stairs quickly, ignoring the stale scent of piss and weed. All that he could think of was Gavin.

The door was impossibly heavy, but he managed to creak it open. He saw Gavin before Gavin saw him. Gavin stood at the edge of the broken roof. His arms were out at his sides, like the wingspan of a bird. His eyes were closed and the soft win blew through his hair. Strangely, he looked peaceful.

And then, he let himself fall.

Something tugged at the back of his shirt, dragging him back and almost choking him. Gavin stumbled, and blinked away the tears the blurred his vision to see Michael, standing in front of him. His boyfriend had tears streaking his own face, and was breathing heavily.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Michael whispered.

Gavin sniffed. “I’m nothing.” He replied, his words a slur. “I’m just a worthless fucking _whore_.”

“No.” Michael shook his head. “Why the fuck would you think that?” he asked.

“It’s true.” Gavin sobbed. “Everybody knows, Michael. You were the only one who didn't know… and now you _do_.”

“What are you talking about?!”

“I’m a whore, Michael! That’s what I am! That’s what you fucking walked into! I am a _whore_ , and that’s what I’ve been for a long time!”

“You’re not a fucking whore- I didn't mean it when I said that, Gav I-”

“No you don’t understand!” Gavin sobbed. He dragged his hands over his face, and gripped his hair tightly.

“Help me understand.” Michael stepped forwards, and grabbed Gavin’s wrist. Gavin just shook his head sadly, and let a few tears fall from his eyes. “Help me!” Michael repeated.

Gavin sobbed, “I ran away.”

Michael frowned. Gavin continued.

“About a year ago, I ran away. And… I ended up meeting this guy- he was lovely, to me, Michael- he really was… but… he said if I wanted to stay with him- I had to… I had to…”

“Had to what?” Michael whispered. Gavin looked up to him.

“I had to work for him. Earn my keep, right?” he explained quietly. “I was alone. I didn't have a choice. He-He forced me to… to be a prostitute.”

“Gavin.”

“No.” Gavin shook his head. “I- _horrible_ things happened to me, Michael. Horrible things. Things that I hate thinking about and never want to think about again. People… they _did things_ to me… and I'll never forget that- but I don’t deserve your pity. It was _my fault_.”

“It wasn’t.” Michael shook his head. “You were- you were taken advantage of. You were… manipulated- and _exploited._ Gavin… you were _abused.”_

Gavin sniffed. “I wanted out, and I got punished for it. So I ran back here. Not many people knew about it at first but… news spreads fast, right? Senior year isn’t fun when half the student body calls you a fucking whore and the other half are trying to pay you for sex.”

Michael reached for Gavin’s face, and wiped a tear with the pad of his thumb underneath Gavin’s eyes. “You’re not… a _whore_. I shouldn’t have said that… I was angry, right? I didn't mean it. I fucking love you, Gavin. I fucking love you.”

“Why?” Gavin asked. Michael paused for a long time. He looked at Gavin, into his eyes that could rival the colours of the ocean. The eyes that held a storm and the sun all at the same time.

He shook his head. “I don’t know.” He admitted. “But that’s okay. That’s what makes it special.”

He held Gavin’s face close to his, shaking him a little with every word. Eventually, Gavin began to nod and sob, and allowed himself to fall into Michael’s arms. His face buried into Michael’s shoulder and he cried, hard, and Michael held him tightly.

At this, Ray came running into the car park.

He slammed to the floor, skinning his knees but ignoring the pain as Gavin sat up. He didn't say anything, just lurched forwards and hugged Ray tightly. Ray looked to Michael, who looked like he wanted to speak but couldn’t, as Ray soothingly ran his hands through Gavin’s hair and soothed him back into reality.

“Is-”

Ray shook his head. Michael swallowed his words, and none of the three spoke a single word.


	8. Final Blow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael receives some devastating news. Nothing will be the same for the group, ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, late update again :(, holidays, right? Just a note to let you know that this is the last chapter (aside from the epilogue, which will be posted soon) i just want to really say thanks to everyone who read, and gave kudos, and commented. It really made me smile, knowing that the stuff I was putting out, people actually enjoyed. :)
> 
> So yeah, hope you enjoy the end of the story.
> 
> Thanks.

The next few days, none of them went to class. They stayed together, in Ray and Michael’s tiny room. They smoked cigarettes, and when they ran out, they smoked tobacco roll ups and weed. Ray nursed his bong in the corner, only ever briefly stopping his high to call Ryan or to text Joel, only to be alerted that his number was no longer in service.

Gavin spent his time laying in Michael’s bed, just thinking. Michael doted on him, cleaning him up and taking him out to eat, getting the fresh air in his lungs and a cigarette down his throat.

He thanked Michael with silent kisses in the dead of the night. They never went any further. They didn't need to.

On the fourth day, Gavin went to his class. Michael tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted, saying he just wanted things to get back to normal.

That left Ray and Michael alone together in the room, staring at the space where Gavin had once been sat. Neither of them spoke, for a while, just enjoying the silence. Then, Michael heard Ray put his bong on the nightstand.

Ray sat forwards, facing Michael with his legs crossed. Michael looked back at him, but still, neither spoke. It was difficult to come up with what to say.

Ray caved first, sighing audibly.

“He’ll be alright.” He said. “Gavin’s always alright.”

“Is he?” Michael asked, leaving back against the wall. He looked to the door. “Is he ever really _alright?”_

Ray laughed once. “No.” he shook his head. “But he’s Gavin. He pretends.”

“I don’t want him to have to pretend anymore.” Michael said. “Why can’t he just… be himself?”

Ray’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t know what he’s been through!” he snapped.

“Yes I do!” Michael shouted. He didn't mean for his temper to flair, and sat back, taking a deep breath. “Sorry.” He sighed. “He told me. About the guy and the prostitution and all that shit.”

“You’ll still never understand.” Ray retorted. Michael frowned.

“Why not?”

“You weren’t there.” Ray lit up a cigarette Michael hadn’t known he had. “When he went missing, _I_ was the one who sat up all day and all fucking night, constantly worrying. I was the guy who called him up, every day, waiting for him to answer. His parents didn't give a shit! They always knew he was broken, and just… they just left. Fucked off back to England.”

“What?!”

“Grieving, apparently.” Ray shrugged. “Like he was fucking dead. Everyone just assumed he’d died. And then, when he came back- he came back to _me,_ his _friend._ He didn't speak for days, he just cried. He was a fucking, wreck, Michael, covered in bruises and cuts. His eyes were just… sunken. His skin was pale and dry- he looked like he’d been through hell…”

“And then you found out he had.” Michael finshed. Ray nodded, and looked to the floor.

“He told me everything. What he’d been put through… _rape_ and _beatings_ and just… so much _shit._ The kinda shit that would destroy a person… and it did, for a while.”

“He… he told me that- that everyone at your school found out.” Michael said, swallowing the information Ray had given to him, and thinking back to the tortured look in Gavin’s eyes as he was yanked from the edge of the car-park.

“Yeah.” Ray sighed. “Someone found a video of him on a porn site. It spread like fucking wildfire. Senior year was fucking _hell_. I told him… that maybe he should see a doctor, you know – like a therapist? Because it was obvious he wasn’t okay… but he refused. His fucking therapy was getting wasted and being fucked by guys he didn't know, manipulating girls into getting with him, probably just to… I don’t know, _feel something.”_

“Like that girl… the one he gave my glasses to?” Michael asked. Ray nodded.

“Gavin's always been a charmer.” He smirked. “I think… I think that because of the situation he’d been through, and the… _time_ he’d spent with other guys- he never got the chance to be in control. When he’s with girls… he gets a kick out of it- and you too, obviously.”

“What do you mean, _me?”_ Michael asked. Ray scoffed.

“Dude- since the moment he walked into our dorm, he’s had you wrapped around his fucking finger. You were… _enchanted_ by him from the moment you set eyes on him.”

“Yeah, because I _love_ him.”

“He _made_ you love him.”

There was a silent pause. Michael sat up. Ray’s words were sharp, they always had been, but that comment pierced straight through his chest and into his heart. Ray didn't break eye contact.

“I don’t doubt that he loves you back Michael, and he has for a little while but- all that stuff, all that time you spent together until you hooked up, that’s Gavin’s game. He’ll get you… wind you up like a fucking music box, and right when you’re ready to sing… he’ll snap the box shut.” Ray stubbed his cigarette out. “It’s his… defence mechanism. He doesn’t mean to be a piece of shit but… he doesn’t want to be taken advantage of again”

“I’d never-”

“I know that, idiot. And I think Gavin’s starting to get that too- I mean, he’s in a _relationship_ with you. He’s never done that before, not since… well, you know.”

“He was _with_ that guy?”

“Gavin got played at his own game there.” Ray shook his head. “I only met the guy a few times but… shit, it was clear to see that Gavin was in love with him. He was _devoted_ to him, and it all blew up in his face. That’s why I take care of him now. I don’t want to see it happen again.”

Ray stood up, and stretched his arms above his head. “Now. I’ve got a class for a while- maybe you should do the same.” He said, grabbing his jacket from the side and slipping his feet into shoes.  “Maybe you should do the same.”

Michael sat in silence for a while after Ray left, mulling over his words and his warning. Ray was protective over Gavin, that was clear to see- but… why couldn’t he _trust_ Michael to take care of him? Michael would never hurt him… and Ray just had to see that.

Michael’s phone began to ring. He didn't recognize the number, which was the first thing that confused him. He felt something heavy rest on his shoulders, and his body tensed as he answered.

“Uh, Hello?”

_“Is this Michael Jones?”_

“Yeah.”

_“I’m calling from the New Jersey Police Department. I regret to inform you that your father has passed away.”_

Michael had never been a quiet person. He was always the loud friend, prepared to talk the ear off of anyone who’d listen. But at that moment, his mouth ran dry and his blood turned cold. He was always a fists first, think later kind of guy- in the battle of fight and flight, it was always the former that would win.

But in that moment, he simply looked to the door, and then ran.

oOo

The coffee shop seemed the same as before. Even the people inside, drinking and talking looked the same, like they had never left. The walls were still the dull cream colour they had been before, and the barista was still the tired looking college kid Michael had seen the last time.

Even his mother, sitting opposite him in a wide brimmed grey hat and a teal coat, sipping at a tea she held in gloved hands, looked completely unchanged.

Only Michael looked different. With his hair limp and lifeless, tucked into a beanie. His eyes were rimmed red from crying. His pale hands shook as he gripped his cardboard coffee cup. His mother drank from porcelain.

“When’s the funeral?” she asked. He rested his head in his hands.

“Next week.”

“When are you flying out?”

“Tomorrow.”

She sighed, and placed her cup on its saucer. She reached her gloved hands across the table, and took his into her own. Her gloves were leather, which was all he could feel. He didn't know what her skin felt like, if it was calloused or soft, warm or cool. He didn't remember.

She squeezed his hands tightly, and smiled. “My brave little boy.” She stroked across his fingers. “Look at you. How far you’ve come.”

He shook his head. “I’m not… I’m not brave. I’m a coward.”

“You're not.”

“I am.” his tone was harsher, and he accidentally squeezed her hands tightly. She didn't let it show, just smiled, the crows feet by her eyes crinkling. He shook his head, and his voice quietened to a whisper. “I don’t want to go back to New Jersey. I can’t.” he said.

She leant in. “Yes you can.”

“No.”

“My Michael… my angry little prince. You never needed anyone else before, always so independent. You wouldn’t even let me help you tie your shoes.” She smiled, and shook her head fondly at the memory, letting go of one of his hands to pull of his beanie, and stroke her gloved fingers through his hair. “What’s changed?” she asked.

Michael sighed. “I… I met someone.”

Her eyes glinted with excitement. “A girl?”

Michael laughed. “No. A boy, actually. His name is Gavin.”

He glanced up at her face, nervously to see her reaction at his revelation. Thankfully, her smile stayed. “Tell me about him.” she asked.

Michael smiled, at the thought of Gavin alone. “He’s… he’s beautiful, mom. I never knew boys could be beautiful, but he is. He’s been through a lot but… he’s strong, you know? I need him, and he needs me…. He’s British too, which is kinda weird- some of the things he says, me and Ray just laugh.”

“Who's Ray?”

“Gavin’s best friend. And also my roommate. The three of us are pretty close now. I don’t really have any other friends.” He admitted.

“Oh. Are those the boys you were with here before, the first time I saw you?”

Michael nodded. “Ray’s shorter, and wears glasses- and Gavin’s pretty lanky, with kinda… sandy hair.” He breathed calmly. “I’m going to miss them, a lot.”

Her hands rested on the table. “You can see them again… after the funeral. You’ll come back here.”

“I don’t want to _leave_.”

“You have to.”

He sighed. “I know.” Michael looked up into his mother’s unfamiliar grey eyes. Slowly, he watched them thaw as her thin lipped smile grew. “I don’t want to go alone…”

She froze, and looked at him with a worried expression. “You… you want me to come with you?”

Michael looked to the table and nodded. “I do.” he looked up. “Could you?”

She smiled, and stroked his face again tenderly. “Nothing changes…” she smiled. “A boy always needs his mother.”

OoO

Saying goodbye was the hardest part. Ray hugged him tightly and slipped a packet of cigarettes into his pocket. The two held eye contact after they stepped back from each other. They had had their differences… but they were friends.

Ray stepped back and Gavin took his place, giving Michael a watery smile.

“I’m gonna miss you, you donut.” He said, holding back the sobs that build in his throat. He hugged Michael tightly, burying his face into his neck. Michael’s eyes closed tightly, and he held on like his life depended it.

They both cried, and both pretended not to notice, just hugging tightly in the middle of a busy train station for a minute, before they finally parted. Gavin wiped the tears from his eyes and Michael did the same, sniffing and smiling.

“I love you.” Gavin said. Michael laughed.

“Fuck… I love you too. You _asshole_.” He said “I can’t believe you made me fall in love with you. I’m gonna miss you. I'll be back… I'll be back before you know it.” He promised. He stepped forwards and pressed his lips to Gavin’s quickly. It was a short kiss, with no depth. It was a promise. A promise for return.

Michael turned and didn't look back, dragging his suitcase towards his mother, who stood a little away from the three of them. She smiled, and linked their arms together.

“It’ll fly by.” She said. “You’ll be back before you know it.”

Michael just nodded silently at her words, and didn’t look back behind him.

ooO

Michael tried to sleep on the train, but only lasted five minutes, before violent images of his father, hanging with a rope around his neck in the middle of the living room, jerking him back into reality.

Hi mother barely spoke, let alone offered any comfort she just rubber er gloved hands together nervously, and stared straight ahead. Michael didn't need to be psychic to know that she was thinking of his dad.

Michael pulled his phone out of his pocket, and scrolled down to a number that he hadn’t touched in weeks. He stood up, excusing himself to the bated dial, walking down the train.

Lindsay picked up quickly.

“Michael. Hey.” Her voice sounded the same. Michael couldn’t help but smile.

“Hey… hey Linds.” He breathed. She paused.

“Here’s me, thinking you’d forgot about me for a bunch of new friends down in NYC.” She joked. Michael smile, and leant against the wall of the train.

“I never would.” He said. “I’ve just been… busy.”

“Too busy for a text?”

He hung his head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m not going to be mad at you- I can only imagine you're probably going through enough right now as it is.”

“Yeah.” Michael sighed, although his dad did not even cross his mind. “You’re coming to the funeral, right?” he asked.

“If you want me to.”

“I do. I really do.”

“I guess I better find an outfit then.” She said, before pausing and asking, almost hesitantly. “How are you feeling though, Michael?”

“I don’t know what to feel. I hated him… but I loved him as well. I’m just sick of thinking about it and talking about it, you know?”

“I understand. We can talk about something else if you want?” she asked. “How was NYU?”

“Good.” Michael nodded. “I met a few friends, that I can tell you all about when I get back. It’s a really cool place, actually.”

“Lots of parties and stuff?” She asked. Michael smiled, thinking at the countless nights he'd spent getting wasted, Gavin at his side in a strangers living room, dancing to music he didn't know and downing beers that certainly weren’t his.

“Yeah, a few.” He said.

“Sounds much better than being stuck here. I bet you won't be able to wait to get back.”

“I know.” Michael agreed. “Leaving was hard enough.” He leant back, and turned his head down the aisle. From where he was standing, he could just about make out his mother, sitting in her seat with a worried expression on her pale face.

“My mom’s here.” He said, without thinking.

“ _What?_ Your _mom?_ ”

“Yeah.” Michael sighed. “I met her in New York. We sort of… bumped into each other. It was… weird. I didn't want to… see her at first but, after dad and everything I just- I need her. I needed not to be on my own for a while.”

“That’s huge Michael,” Lindsay said. “It’s been _years._ ”

“I know.” Michael laughed, sadly. “I hardly even recognise her anymore.”

“It must make it easier, at least having one parent, right?”

“It’s supposed to.” Michael said, not tearing his eyes from his mother once. “But I’m not sure if it is.”

oOo

The funeral happened a few days later. Michael wore the only suit he owned, which was too long at the sleeves and a little too tight at the waist. Over the grave, his mother stood a little to the side, black hat covering half of her face, eyes shielded by big, black sunglasses. She didn't speak. She didn't have to.

Lindsay stood by his side, her hand wrapped in his tightly as the coffin was lowered. Michael felt a few tears slip down his cheeks, but didn't make a sound. He was sad, sure, but he wasn’t angry, for once. He wasn’t mad that his father was dead.

He skipped out on the thought of a wake. A wake was to celebrate the life of the person that had passed. There wasn’t much about Michael’s father’s life to celebrate. Instead, after exchanging condolences with a few distant family members, he left with Lindsay and his mother.

He couldn’t face his own home, could hardly stomach the thought, so instead they sat in Lindsay’s home, her smiling parents bringing them cups of coffee and small sandwiches on plates. Michael didn't eat a thing.

“You alright?” Lindsay whispered to him.

“I should’ve been here.” Was all he replied, with a small shake of his head. It was quiet enough that nobody else could really make it out, but loud enough for his mother to turn and look at him worriedly.

“Later.” Lindsay whispered. “We’ll talk later.”

OoO

Later came after his mother sat him down, and told him she was leaving.

“What the fuck? I need you here!” he shouted. “Dad’s fucking dead, and now you’re leaving too? _Again?”_

“I can't be here.” She said, shaking her head and gritting her teeth. “I just can't, Michael, you have to understand.”

She reached her hands up to his face, but he flinched away from her touch. He crossed his arms and faced away from her, untucking one hand to rest on his face.

After a beat of silence, he whispered, “Just go.”

“Michael, I-”

“Leave!” he snapped. “And don’t come back. Don’t fucking bother coming back.”

She didn't protest, just picked up her handbag and walked out of the house. Michael breathed slowly, and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He turned the object in his hands a few times. It was strange, how he used to use his phone eat every free moment, whereas now, he hadn’t touched it since he arrived.

His eyes lingered on Gavin’s contact, before pressed back, and viewed his messages.

_From: Gav <3_

_Hi Michael._

_I miss you a lot. If you want to talk, I’m always here xxx_

_-_

_From: Gav <3_

_It’s okay if you don’t feel like talking… I don’t mind. I'll wait. It must be really hard for you and I’m really sorry. I miss you a lot. When are you coming back? Xxx_

_-_

_From: Gav <3_

_It’s the funeral soon, and I’m just texting to make sure you’re alright. I called a few times, but you didn't answer, which is totally fine. I understand what it’s like to feel lost._

_-_

_From: Gav <3_

_MCIal I misSsS yIO_

_xxxoxxojzcccxx_

_-_

_From: Ray_

_Hey, I know you’re probably really upset about your dad and shit. Sorry about that. But Gavin… he’s not good. He says you’re not replying to his calls, or his voice messages. I know you’re going through some shit… but I’m worried about him. So fucking text him or something, okay?_

_-_

_From: Gav <3_

_Sorry about that last text. I was a little smashed. I love you. xxx_

_-_

_From: Gav <3_

_I know you’re probably upset, but do you think you could maybe shoot me a text? I just want to make sure you’re alright. Ray’s been driving me mental, coddling me like a baby. He means well though. Love you xxx_

_-_

_From: Gav <3_

_English Lit isn’t the same without you. I think I might drop it, to be honest because it’s no fun if you’re not there with me, taking the mick out of Shakespeare and doodling in your little notebook. We started poetry today, and every poem reminded me of you boi! Xxx_

_-_

_From: Gav <3_

_I MISD YIU YOU FUCJING ASHOLE TEXT ME BAVK_

_-_

_From: Ray_

_Oh you know what, fuck you. Don’t speak to Gavin. He just wants to be there for you. Stay away from him, Asshole._

_-_

_From: Unknown Number._

_Michael. This is Ryan. Ray’s really sorry. He’s just a little too stubborn to admit it. Condolences about your dad._

_-_

_From: Gav <3_

_Sorry about my last text, and sorry about Ray. I didn't mean it and neither did he. I know it’s the funeral today. I hope you’re okay boi. I really miss you a lot. School isn’t the same without you. When are you coming home? xxxx_

Michael swallowed and wiped the tears he hadn’t noticed before from his eyes. He quickly selected ‘New Message’, and typed out a few replies.

_To: Ray_

_I’m sorry._

_-_

_To: Gav <3_

_I’m sorry for not getting back to you. Things have been… heavy. I miss you too. I love you a lot. I want to be back there but… shit Gav, I’ve got a lot of stuff to finish here. I think I might have to stay home for longer than I intended. I love you so fucking much. xx_

OoO

He returned to his house two days after the funeral. It smelt like bleach and cleaning products, which shot straight up his nose and into his lungs. He felt sick, but continued on, up the stairs to his old room. He looked inside at the almost empty space where his things used to lay, before closing the door.

He stepped back, and turned to his dad’s room.

All his stuff was still there, just sitting. Michael was just a kid, he didn’t know what to do with a house and a room full of belongings. So like a kid, he ignored it, and flopped down on the bed. He laid back, with his head against the pillows his dad used to lay on. He remembered times when he was young, after a nightmare, when he would creep in, and burrow between his parents in the bed.

The pillows still smelt like _him_ , with the faintest linger of _her_.

There was a knock on the door, followed by a call of. “It’s Lindsay. Can I come in?”

He grunted a yes, and Lindsay walked through the door. She sighed when she saw him lying there, and approached the bed slowly. She sat down on the side, instead of laying before, reaching out to stroke at Michael’s curls.

“You need a haircut.” She said.

“I know.” He sighed. “I need a lot of things right now.”

“What’s on your mind/.” She asked. Michael curled up a little, knees resting against his chest.

“Will you lay?” he asked. Lindsay smiled and nodded, before settling down in the bed next to him.

“What’s up?” she asked.

“I… I don’t know what to do. When I found out… I thought- I thought going back to New York would be easy. But now… I sort of feel like I don’t want to leave here.”

“What about Gavin?” Lindsay asked. Michael sighed, and shrugged his shoulders.

“I miss him like crazy but… I don’t think I’m any good to him right now. Gavin’s… damaged enough as it is, and I don’t want to make him worse, by being a shit fucking boyfriend. You should’ve seen the texts on my phone… he’s not alright.”

“Maybe you're right.” She sighed. “You do love him, don’t you Michael?”

“Yes.” He nodded. “So fucking much. I love him so much it hurts.”

She smiled, and stroked his hair again. “Then maybe it’s best to wait. Because if he really loves you too, he’ll wait for you.”

“But… school?”

“You can finish the semester here.” She shrugged. “If you need to, you can stay. Head back to NYU next year?”

Michael didn’t say anything, but he was clearly thinking it over. The offer sounded too tempting, too _easy_ to just leave it all behind and stay back in his hometown for a bit. He weighed up the pros and cons in his head.

He knew people in New Jersey. People who could take care of him where his mother had surely failed. But then over in NYU, there was only Gavin and Ray and their small circle of friends and acquaintances who didn't even know Michael well enough to warrant in interest in his problems. He loved Gavin, but Lindsay was right. If Gavin really loved him, he’d wait.

But then he thought back to Ray’s words, and _if_ stung in his mind. Gavin would wait, _if_ he loved him.

Wouldn’t he?

OoO

It was a difficult phone call he had with Gavin, that involved a lot of crying and a little shouting, covered up with a thousand apologies. They talked for _hours_ , until Michael’s eyes were rimmed red and he flopped down on his bed, running his hand through his hair.

“So that’s it?” Gavin asked.

“Yeah.” Michael sighed. “I think this is it, Gav.”

“God.” Gavin sounds choked up, but Michael can hear the smile in his voice. “I feel a little heartbroken.”

“What happened to pretending you don’t have one?” Michael asked.

“Nah. I could never pretend to you Michael, could I?”

Michael laughed sadly. “I do still love you Gavin.” He promised. “But things are different, I-”

“It’s okay, Michael. I understand. And in a month, six months, or even a year… when you’re ready… I'll be here.”

The warmth in Michael’s chest grew. Fuck Ray, even if he was only doing his best to look out of Gavin. Gavin wasn’t a liar… not to him, anyway.

“And I'll be here.” Michael looked out of the window, at the suburb he grew up in. “You and Ray’ll visit, won't you?”

“’’Course we will.” Gavin promised. “Couldn’t keep us away if you tried.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

There was a short moment of silence.

“Is… is this goodbye, then? At least for a bit?” Gavin asked. Michael sniffed as he heard his tearful tone.

“We’ll still text and call. Everyday. I swear.”

“I know.”

“I still love you Gavin.”

“I know Michael. And I absolutely, _completely_ love you too.”

“I'll see you… when I see you.”

“And I'll see you, boi. Team Nice Dynamite, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Michael laughed sadly. “Team Nice Dynamite.”

The phone hung up, and Michael tossed it across the room, watching as it fell onto his bed, before rolling on the floor. He furiously wiped his eyes from the tears that fell, before sitting down on the bed.

He faced his Xbox which was plugged into his TV. His games shelf had been re-stocked. His clothes were back in the wardrobe.

It looked like he had never left.

Michael slowly leant forwards, switching on the console and his TV. He slipped Banjo Kazooie into the slot, and watched as the screen booted up, colours harsh in his eyes.

He had to complete the game sometime, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want more? The epilogue will be up soon, so look out for that- but also, check out my other stuff! I write a lot of Mavin, Raywood, and some other stuff, so I'd be super grateful for all my fics to be shown as much love as this one. 
> 
> Thanks.


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Epilogue to : Who Do You Love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who read this, commented, and gave Kudos. And, to thank those of you in advance who might consider looking at some of my other fics, leaving kudos and commenting on those? 
> 
> Also if you have any questions about the Who Do You Love?!Verse, leave your question in the comments and I'll get back to you!

EPILOGUE

“Let me think, what else have you missed?” Ray wondered aloud, as he finished rolling his joint. He placed it between his lips and lit it, the thick smoke blowing behind them into the park. A few people shot them disapproving looks, but none of them cared.

“Gus, naked!” Gavin squealed, taking a hit from the joint as Ray passed it to him. “Michael, it was bloody _hilarious_.” He laughed. “Remind me to send you the photos.”

“True love-  always send nudes of their friends.” Lindsay laughed. Gavin and Ray joined her, as Michael nudged her with his shoulder fondly.

“Sounds like a blast.” Michael smiled, taking the joint from Gavin and taking a long hit. “I’ve missed this shit too.” He said. “I can get cigarettes anywhere, but weed is sort of hard to find, in this neighbourhood.” He took another puff, before holding it out to Lindsay.

“Uh… sure, why not.” She said nervously. Michael smiled.

“You don’t have to.” He said. She shook her head and took it into her fingers.

“No way, I’m not pussying out.”

“I like her!” Ray exclaimed, laughing as Lindsay rolled her eyes comically. She took a small hit of the joint, and held it for a second, before she spluttered, coughing violently. Michael smiled and patted her on the back as Ray took the joint back, he and Gavin giggling.

“Holy shit. That’s something.” She wheezed. Michael laughed, and passed her a beer out of the cooler.

“Here. Stick to the beer.”

“Yeah, thanks.” She twisted the cap off and took a drink. “So, is this what you guys do, in New York?” she asked “Drink and smoke all day?”

Michael shrugged. “Pretty much.”

“We do coke sometimes too.” Gavin shrugged.

“ _You_ do coke sometimes.” Michael was quick to correct.

“And we go to class, on the rarest of occasion” Ray weighed in with a laugh. Lindsay just rolled her eyes.

“You guys are just gonna end up killing yourselves.” She warned. “But, at least you know, you _lived_ , I suppose.”

“It’s the only life we know.” Ray shrugged, looking to Gavin, who nodded in agreement.

“We’re party boys!”

Michael laughed. “That doesn’t sound gay at all.” He laughed Gavin squealed.

“Really Michael? Coming from _you_!”

“I’m not gay!” Michael protested. “I’m bi.” He mumbled. Gavin laughed.

“Whatever. You’re a party boy too, sort of.”

“Please stop using that term.” Ray laughed. “It’s creeping me out.” Gavin rolled his eyes at his friend, and turned back to Michael.

“Doesn’t matter how deep into the suburbs you bury yourself, you’ll always crave it. You do now, I can see it. You’re antsy, sitting here on your arse with nothing to do. You miss it.” He teased. Michael looked away.

“Maybe.” He shrugged. “So what?”

“So when are you going back?” Lindsay asked. Michael looked to her, his eyes almost guilty. She looked to the floor briefly, and back up to meet Michael’s eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay. I know you want to go back, and I’m not gonna make you stay, Michael.”

“Lindsay, I-”

 “Just… drop me a text every now and then, right?”

“Really?” Michael asked, eyes wide and hopeful. “You… you wouldn’t mind if I-”

“Michael, your heart just doesn’t belong here… not anymore.” She looked to Gavin. “You belong back there. Back _home_.”

Michael looked from Lindsay to Gavin. He sighed.

“I guess I better get packing, and call up the school.” He said with a smile.

* * *

 

Ray and Gavin stay with him for a few more days in the house that is legally his, although now he’s moving back to New York for definite, he’s selling it. Lindsay’s parents take it over for him, and promise to sort out all the legal stuff they can. He thanks them with tight hugs before he leaves. They’re good people, Lindsay’s parents. They’d always been there for him when his parents had failed, and this time was no different.

His mother’s number written on the card still burned a hole in his pocket. He hadn’t quite been able to bring himself to put it down since he’d found it when packing. He quite wasn’t ready to let go yet.

Ray left a day earlier, claiming he had to ‘see a man about a dog.’ Michael had rolled his eyes at the expression, but hugged Ray, saying he’d see him soon. Gavin had confided in him that Ray had been spending more nights out of school then in. he wanted to assume Ryan but… he could never be sure, not with Ray.

They spent their last night in Jersey together, re-familiarizing themselves with each-others bodies in the dark of Michael’s bedroom. Afterwards, Michael hung onto Gavin tightly, like a child, whispering into his skin that he loved him over and over. He needed to be reminded. They both did.

He left Lindsay with a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek, along with a promise to stay in touch. She smiled, but something in her eyes told Michael she didn't believe it. He’d prove it to her then. He wouldn’t let himself forget, not again.

Watching New Jersey disappear through the windows of the train was surprisingly relieving. Gavin slept most of the way, head rested on Michael’s shoulder, making faint snoring sounds.

He sent Ray a quick text saying they were on their way, and was unsurprisingly met with no response.

But he was okay with that. He had Gavin, snoring soundly next to him. He had college to finish, parties to attend, drugs to take and beers to drink. He had _life_ to live.

And he had Gavin, to live every second of it with him.


End file.
